His eyes looked like two pee-holes in the snow.

Had eyes like two bubbles in a pisspot.

Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with the directions on the heel.

Useless as the tits on a boar hog.

Don't know shit from apple butter.

Don't know shit from Shinola.

My Mom always used the word "onery". Usually it meant lowdown, nasty. "Don't use such onery language!" I suppose it was some form of "ornery".