You're on the right track, SINSULL. Drama is the key. ;-) Here's another thing you can add to that...keep a loaded submachine gun by the bed, and when the cramp hits, leap out of bed, yell, "OH FUCK!" in the usual fashion, grab the tommy gun and blast off a hundred or so rounds at random in all directions, screaming at the top of your lungs like Stallone does when he goes berserk in those Rambo movies.

It works great.

You can thank Chongo for this bit of advice. That's what he does when he gets a bad cramp at night, only he yells "KREE-GAH! BUNDOLO GOMANGANI! RAAAAAAAAK!" and other stuff like that instead of "OH, FUCK!".