The earliest version I found was from Immortalia (1927):

THE BASTARD KING OF ENGLAND
RUDYARD KIPLING

Oh, the bards they sing of an English King
Who lived long years ago;
And he ruled his land with an iron hand,
But his mind was weak and low.
He was used to hunt the royal stag
Within his royal wood,
But 'twas none but knew that his greatest sport
Was pulling his royal pud.

And his nether garb was a woolen shirt
Which used to hide his hide;
But this undershirt couldn't hide the dirt
That no one could abide.
He was wild and wooly and full of fleas
That humans ne'er could stand;
And his terrible dong to his knees hung down—
The Bastard King of England!

Now the Queen of Spain was an amorous dame,
A sprightly dame was she,
And she longed to fool with his Majesty's tool
So far across the sea.
So she sent a note to the dirty King
By her royal messenger,
And requested his Majesty's sailing to Spain
To spend a month with her.

But when Philip of France got the news one day,
He turned to all his court
And he said, "My fair Queen prefers this clown
Because my tool is short."
So he sends abroad Marquis Siphylissap,
Who smacked of fairyland,
To supply the Queen with a dose of clap
To trap our Dear Old England.

Then the news of this filthy deed was heard
In Windsor's merry halls,
And the King did swear he would have anon
The Frenchman's greasy balls.
So he offered the half of all his lands,
And the whole of Queen Hortense,
To the trusty lord of his English court
Who'd nut the King of France.

So the loyal Duke of Essexshire
Betook himself to France;
When he swore he was a fruiter the King
Took down his royal pants:
Then around his prong he tied a thong
And gaily galloped along
'Til at last in Windsor's merry halls,
Was the Frenchman and his dong.

And the King threw up, and he shit his pants;
For in the lengthy ride
The thong had stretched by a yard or more
The fucking Frenchman's pride.
And then all the ladies of London town
Who saw the mighty stand
Cried aloud, "To hell with the English Crown,"
And made Philip King of England.


Note that Immortalia does attribute the song to Kipling. Cray says the tune is kin to "Irish Washerwoman." It also scans to "Star of the County Down." Don't think I'll add it to my repertoire...

-Joe-