Copied from the website of The Arizona Irish Music Society:


THE DOG IN THE MICROWAVE
Words, Ken Johnson. Tune, "The Lincolnshire Poacher"

There was a wife of Lincolnshire. To market she did go.
She took her dog for company across the ice and snow.
Returning from the market, they were drenched in freezing rain,
So she put the dog in the microwave to dry him out again,
So she put the dog in the microwave to dry him out again.

A passer-by saw the cloud of smoke and fetched the Fire Brigade.
The firemen cried, "Don't panic! We are here to give you aid.
No need to make a statement, for we know what you will say:
Oh, you put your dog in the microwave—the second one today."
Oh, she put her dog in the microwave—the second one today.

A veterinary surgeon had an office on the street.
The wife begged him to resurrect the blackened lump of meat.
The surgeon started laughing. He guffawed, "This dog is wrecked.
If you put a dog in the microwave, what else do you expect?
If you put a dog in the microwave, what else do you expect?"

Her husband came from the office, calling, "Honey, here I am.
Your cooking smells delicious. Is it chicken, pork or lamb?"
The wife began to tremble, and a tear came to her eye.
"Oh, I put the dog in the microwave, just like a slice of pie."
Oh, she put the dog in the microwave, just like a slice of pie.

The neighbours were inquisitive, and tactlessly inquired,
"We haven't seen your doggy. Has he recently expired?"
The wife was shaking terribly, and she began to howl,
"Oh, I put the dog in the microwave. I should have used a towel."
Oh, she put the dog in the microwave. She should have used a towel.

She went to visit a medium, who charged a hefty fee.
She said, "We must communicate; the dog was dear to me."
An ectoplasm dog appeared and, wailing like a ghost,
Said, "You put the dog in the microwave and frazzled it to toast."
Oh, she put the dog in the microwave and frazzled it to toast.

She sued the manufacturers whose oven she had bought.
"These ovens are too dangerous," she sobbed in open court.
"You didn't read the manual," the lawyers said. "Just see:
If you put a dog in the microwave, it voids the guarantee.
If you put a dog in the microwave, it voids the guarantee."

The whole affair was featured on the early evening news.
The SSPCA complained of grievous dog abuse.
The China correspondent sent a simple message back:
"If you put a dog in the microwave, it makes a healthy snack.
If you put a dog in the microwave, it makes a healthy snack."