Little Hawk, part of the problem is that "don't ask, don't tell" isn't the whole story. A military person will be discharged if they are found, by any method, to be gay. There have been instances of both malicious and accidental outing. The soldier didn't tell and still got fired.

It is also true that someone's sexual orientation is other peoples' business if the other people are their friends and family. How would you like to live in a situation where you could never introduce your wife to your friends and coworkers for fear of being barred from continuing to pursue your profession? Always going stag to company parties, leaving your spouse at home? Especially since always going stag while living with a single member of the same sex is often seen as a road sign pointing to "gay".

Also, living with institutionalized bigotry is very hard. It's unconstitutional and dishonest, and military officers take an oath to uphold the Constitution and to be honest.