Ron, I think that may have been Shane McBride under an assumed name.... ;-) Certainly sounds like Shane, anyway.

There are any number of excellent non-alcoholic alternatives to beer! I can highly recommend the following:

Sex!
Ripe mangos!
Fresh coconut juice! (available in Vietnamese restaurants)
A walk in the park!
A nice hot bath!
Ontario maple syrup, eh?

Try any of these and you may never get the urge to touch beer again.