The real shame is that almost NOBODY listened to Chongo's recent groundbreaking speech on education in America, which he delivered to a rapt (although tiny) audience at Duffy's Bar in Chicago. (He had promised free drinks to anyone who listened.)

Chongo's main points for maintaining high educational standards in America are:

1. DON'T bite your teacher.

2. Learn to use firearms at the earliest age possible...learn from a qualified instructor, one who has shot at least 3 people (or primates) in the past five years, but only in self-defence of course!

3. Don't spit on your textbooks and NEVER chew on them either.

4. Wear really shiny shoes so you can see people creeping up from behind you and other things like that which you would miss if your shoes weren't well shined.

5. NEVER shoot at a female unless she shoots at you first or looks like she is about to. It's not kosher to shoot women, and anyone who does better have a DAMN good reason for doing so. Men? Feel free to blow 'em away the moment they get outta line.

6. Always hold doors open for your elders and show them respect.

7. Carry an extra ammo clip in your back pockets or briefcase or lunchbox.

8. Pay attention in class and DON'T throw things! You win not get anywhere in life behaving like a goddamn bush ape, and nobody will be impressed one bit if you do either.

9. Honor and revere the founders of this great nation: George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Ben Franklin, Ed Sullivan, and King Kong.

10. Peel bananas from the stem end only. DON'T drop the peels on the ground, but put them in a recycling container and do your bit for environmental awareness in America.