"Whoever is first up in the morning turns up the furnace, lets the cat and/or dog out, and brings the dummy in off the porch"

A perfect job for Shane! He is a dummy, and he stays up all night and sleeps most of the day. He will be glad to hang out on your porch at night if you supply him with beer, pizza, and smokes. Furthermore, if you give him this job then he won't need to do B. and E.'s anymore to get money for his beer, pizza, and smokes, so you will be doing the rest of society a favor!