And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his
espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a
son and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a
manger because there was no room for them in the inn. And the
angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, "I bring you
tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior, which is Christ
the Lord."

"There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee who happened
to be strolling by. As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely
regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public
property where such symbols were not allowed to land or even hover.

"And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much
like a Nativity scene," he said sadly. "That's a no-no, too."

Joseph had a bright idea. "What if I put a couple of reindeer
over there near the ox and ass?" he said, eager to avoid
sectarian strife.

"That would definitely help," said the Pharisee, who knew as
well as anyone that whenever a savior appeared, judges usually
liked to be on the safe side and surround it with deer or
woodland creatures of some sort. "Just to clinch it, throw in a
candy cane and a couple of elves and snowmen, too," he said. "No
court can resist that."

Mary asked, "What does my son's birth have to do with snowmen?"

"Snowpersons!" cried a young woman, changing the subject before
it veered dangerously toward religion.

Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was painting the
Nativity scene. Mary complained that she and Joseph looked too
tattered and worn in the picture. "Artistic license," he said.
"I've got to show the plight of the haggard homeless in a
greedy, uncaring society in winter," he explained.

"We're not haggard or homeless. The inn was just full," said Mary.

"Whatever," said the painter.

Two women began to argue fiercely. One said she objected to
Jesus' birth "because it privileged motherhood." The other
scoffed at virgin births, but said that if they encouraged more
attention to diversity in family forms and the rights of single
mothers, well, then, she was all for them.

"I'm not a single mother," Mary started to say, but she was cut
off by a third woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a
form of child abuse, since they restrict the natural movement of
babies.

With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot
infant abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to the
edge of the crowd, where arguments were breaking out over how
many reindeer (or what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites) had
to be installed to compensate for the infant's unfortunate
religious character.

An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants who had been
busy debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy and whether
the elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in the crib or
merely standing to the side, jumping around like a sports mascot.

"I'd hold off on the reindeer," the man said, explaining that
the use of asses and oxen as picturesque backdrops for Nativity
scenes carries the subliminal message of human dominance. He
passed out two leaflets, one denouncing manger births as
invasions of animal space, the other arguing that stables are
"penned environments" where animals are incarcerated against
their will. He had no opinion about elves or candy canes.

Signs declaring "Free the Bethlehem 2" began to appear,
referring to the obviously exploited ass and ox. Someone said
the halo on Jesus' head was elitist. Mary was exasperated. "And
what about you, old mother?" she said sharply to an elderly
woman. "Are you here to attack the shepherds as prison guards
for excluded species, maybe to complain that singing in
Latin identifies us with our Roman oppressors, or just to say
that I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity and joined
some dumb new-age goddess religion?"

"None of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted to tell you
that the Magi are here." Sure enough, the three wise men rode up.

"They're all male!" the crowd gasped. "And not very multicultural!"

"Balthazar here is black," said one of the Magi.

"Yes, but how many of you are gay or disabled?" someone shouted.
A committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished lesbian
wise-person among the halt and lame of Bethlehem.

A calm voice said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, for you have done
well and your son will change the world." At last, a sane
person, Mary thought. She turned to see a radiant and confident
female face. The woman spoke again: "There is one thing, though.
Religious holidays are important, but can't we learn to
celebrate them in ways that unite, not divide? For instance,
instead of all this business about 'Gloria in excelsis Deo,'
why not just 'Season's Greetings'?"

Mary said, "You mean my son has entered human history to deliver
the message, 'Hello, it's winter'?"

"That's harsh, Mary," said the woman. "Remember, your son could
make it big in midwinter festivals, if he doesn't push the
religion thing too far. Centuries from now, in nations yet
unborn, people will give each other pricey gifts and have big
office parties on his birthday. That's not chopped liver."

"Let me get back to you," Mary said.