Ahem! I have just penned a new epic, based on that song about the Alamo that the Kingston Trio and Donovan both did covers of way back when.

It is a little known fact that the garrison of the Alamo numbered about 85,000 Texians, most of whom were huddling in terror behind the walls as a Mexican army of about 1500 approached under command of the flamboyant and vainglorious dictator, Santa Ana, the self-proclaimed "Napoleon of the West". Fortunately for the Texians, there were three men of real grit in the garrison who were in a position of command, and who might be counted upon to stir some herioc passions in the breasts of their chicken-hearted comrades. There were also a pig and a goose who proved absolutely vital to the defence of the fort, and that part has been suppressed in the popular mythology that later arose around the battle. At any rate, the Mexican army (soon reinforced to about 2400 men) was blissfully unaware that it had surrounded a garrison of approximately 35 times its own strenght in numbers. Had the Mexicans known this, they would have fled. They were under the impression, though, that there were less than 200 poorly armed men defending the fort, so they prepared a siege and bombarded the place for 12 days while the 85,000 Texians hunkered down, prayed, wept, swore, and wrote desperate letters to their wives and sweethearts.

By the 12th day Travis had realized that reinforcements were not forthcoming and that little time was left before the shit would hit the fan. He summoned the entire garrison to parade in the open square and gave them a dramatic choice! Our song begins....

The Battle of the Alamo - 1836

85,000 were challenged by Travis to die
By a line that he drew with his sword when the battle was nigh
And him that would fight to the death cross over
But the others had better vamoose!
And over that line came three men, a pig, and a goose!

Hey—up! Santa Ana, we're killing your soldiers below
So the rest of Texas will know, and remember the Alamo!

'Twas Travis and Bowie and Crockett who dared to remain
And the pig and the goose crossed over the line unashamed
But 84,998 Texans were lacking in grit
The sight of the Mexican Army had caused them to shit

Hey—up! Santa Ana, we're fleeing your soldiers below
So the rest of Texas will know, when we're far from the Alamo!

So 84,000 came pouring out over the walls
While another 600 tried to hide in the urinal stalls
Fifty men ran for the pigpen, twenty-eight jumped in the well
320 were trampled to death when they fell

And the 84,000 came pouring out over the walls
When the Mexicans saw that mob coming, they were plainly appalled
They threw down their rifles, abandoned their cannons
And frantically fled from the field
As the goose honked in joy and the pig triumphantly squealed:

Hey—up! Santa Ana, we're killing your soldiers below
So the rest of Texas will know, and remember the Alamo!

88,000 men scattered like shot from a gun
The Texans and Mexicans showed the world how they could run
They ran for the rivers, they ran for the hills, they dug holes and hid in the dirt
Santa Ana lost both of his boots, his hat, and his shirt

Hey—up! Santa Ana, we're killing your soldiers below
So the rest of Texas will know, and remember the Alamo!

"We've won," cried out Travis, in wonder, "and the glory's all mine!"
"Like hell!" growled Jim Bowie, "I outrank you, and you ain't worth a dime!"
Then up stepped bold Davie Crockett, his rifle held firm in his hand
Said, "If there's to be one lone survivor here, I am that man!"

Hey—up! Santa Ana, we're killing your soldiers below
So the rest of Texas will know, and remember the Alamo!

Jim Bowie was found with a bayonet stuck in his chest
While Travis lay dead with a bullet hole right through his breast
And poor Davie Crockett lay cold as a sprocket, the Bowie knife deep in his heart
While the goose and the pig danced a jig on the bloody ramparts!

Hey—up! Santa Ana, we're killing your soldiers below
So the rest of Texas will know, and remember the Alamo!

Santa Ana was ruined, he had to go back in disgrace
He'd lost half of his army, but worse than that, he'd lost face
The pig and the goose caught a train to Ohio where they got a good job at the zoo
And the Alamo stands as the proof that this story is true!

Hey—up! Santa Ana, we're killing your soldiers below
So the rest of Texas will know, and remember the Alamo!