I am sorry if I offended you; I can only bite my tongue so long. There are many principles and secrets to really good poetry. I would like to offer you one able reference toward a better understanding these truths hidden in the art. I am no master of them, mind you, just struggling along with them as you are. But I think you need the road map.
Warren was the first Poet Laureate of the United States and one of the strongest poetic voices in American literature.
You could do far worse than emulate his sparse but insightful style. Your own concatenation of observations could stand some serious rework by these standards. I hope this is helpful, as it meant to be.