"Bad News, Good News"

The following letter from the family's solicitor is addressed
to a member of the British aristocracy who has been
spending much of the summer in his residence in the
south of France leaving his wife in the United Kingdom to
look after the ancestral home.

Dear Sir Royston,

I hope you are having a good time on your holiday. I say
this with sincerity because I am afraid that I have some bad
news for you, although there is good news too. First the bad
news. I am sorry to tell you that your favorite dog, Honey, is
dead. The vet says that she died instantly and could have felt
no pain. She was kicked in the head by your horse, Sherbert,
though I'm sure that no blame can be attached to Sherbert,
frightened as he was by the fire in the barn.

I'm afraid that Sherbert was in the barn along with your other
horses when it burnt to the ground. The fire brigade had been
called within a short time of the barn catching fire and would
normally have been able to put the fire out. Had it had not
been for the fact that the tender crashed into your Bentley in
the lane. Your wife had taken it out for a spin with your brother.
As it was, both the tender and your Bentley were written off. No
blame can be attached to your wife for the accident I'm sure.

The Bentley was stationary at the time and your wife was in
the back seat of the car. She managed to escape death only
due to the fact that your brother was lying on top of her at
the time of the collision. The doctors say that given time she
will regain her sight but that she will never walk again. She
has also lost her memory and cannot even remember you.
Your brother, unfortunately, was killed.

I should explain how the barn came to be on fire in the first
place. You see a spark from the house blew over and set the
roof alight. The fire started in the main hall of the house where,
as you know, your Matisse and your Picasso once hung. I say
'once' because they are not there now. Fortunately neither of
these paintings were damaged in the conflagration as they
were stolen beforehand by the burglar who started the fire.

Although all of this may seem to you very serious it is not in
fact the bad news that I wrote of. Your wife and brother had
been visiting your insurance agent in prison where he is
serving a three year sentence for fraud. I'm afraid that none
of your insurance policies are valid.

As I said, there is some good news. The heat from the fire
warmed your greenhouse and brought your flowers on.