How about this:

Chongo Chimp of Chicago passed away in a big-ass explosion outside Khandahar, Afghanistan last week. Well know for his love of cigars, whiskey, and mayhem-causing devices, he was on the run from the Chicago Police when he was splattered all over the Afghan landscape. Chinga Chimp of Milwaukee, who claims to be his sister, said, "He'll be missed, I guess. He owes about everybody money." Big Ape Louie of Evanston said, "It's a good thing for him. My boys were gonna take that punk apart when he came back to town. Now we got him in parts, ha ha!"

According to his wishes Mr. Chimp will be cremated, if enough pieces can be found. He leaves no living relatives (other than his purported sister) who will admit to it. Condolences, congratulations, and stuff can be sent to your Congressperson. Burial will be in Lake Michigan.