"A Skier's Dictionary

Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also
a shouted request for assistance made by a European
skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: "What
Zermatter?"

Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that
needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport.
See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift
Collapse.

Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from
potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis
from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope
where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on,
eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from
serious injury.

Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for
dismay, however: TWO bones of the middle ear have
never been broken in a skiing accident.

Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain
snow-travelling technique. It's good exercise. It doesn't
require the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds
or lines. It isn't skiing. See Cross-Country Something-Or-Other.

Cross-Country Something-or-Other: Touring on skis along
trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed
woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing
nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through
snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping into the
puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculpted drift.

Exercises: A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're
prepared for the slopes: *Tie a cinder block to each foot
with old belts and climb a flight of stairs. *Sit on the outside
of a second-story window ledge with your skis on and your
poles in your lap for 30 minutes. *Bind your legs together
at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana
in each hand, get to your feet.

Gloves: Designed to be tight enough around the wrist to
restrict circulation, but not so close-fitting as to allow any
manual dexterity; they should also admit moisture from the
outside without permitting any dampness within to escape.

Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect
skiers. The other three are the strong force, which makes
bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way
on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead
batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia.

Inertia: Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in
direction or speed due to the action of Newton's First Law
of Motion. Goes along with these other physical laws:
* Two objects of greatly different mass falling side by
side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter
one will have larger hospital bills. * Matter can neither be
created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket,
don't expect to encounter it again in our universe. * When
an irresistible force meets an immovable object, an unethical
lawyer will immediately appear.

Prejump: Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a
controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can
execute a controlled prefall just before losing their balance
and, if they wish, can precede it with a prescream and a few
pregroans.

Shin: The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from
the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to
where the soreness from the strained ankle begins.

Ski! : A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming
down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with
is "Avalanche!" - which tells everyone that a hill is coming down
the hill.

Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to
break them.

Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly;
your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose
flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white
and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all
directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be
mumbling, "Why?"

Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and paineth.

Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two
quick and simple methods of reducing speed.

Tree: The other method.