"Short Bits"

Neurotic: A person who worries about things that
didn't happen in the past . . . instead of worrying
about something that won't happen in the future . . .
like normal people.

You come into this world with nothing, and you leave
with nothing. Except, when you leave . . . you have
to pay taxes on it.

I have learned a great deal about myself from my Inbox.
According to my junk e-mail, I'm bald, impotent and in
need of constant refinancing.

Businessman to another executive: "Since we began our
corporate stress-reduction seminars, production's
gone down and no one seems to care."

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious
quotes on cups. The very first one will say, "Jesus, this
stuff is expensive!"

Congress was upset that one of its own members'
offices was searched with a warrant. But none of
them seemed upset by the fact that the guy is
accused of taking a $100,000 bribe.

Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what
they want and adults pay for it.
Deficits are when adults tell the government what
they want and their kids pay for it.

Some guy broke into our house last week.
He didn't even take the TV.
He just took the remote control.
Now he drives by and changes channels on us.

Iraq's minister of planning and development says
they are in a phase, marked by unprecedented chaos
and government corruption. Sounds like they have
the same kind of democracy we have.

Mr. Parker saw his son's shiner and demanded,
"Jimmy, who gave you that black eye?"
"No one," replied the spunky child. "I had to fight for it."