Somebody e-mailed me this collection of Shel Silverstein lyrics, and it was too good a thing to pass up. I don't have time to edit them all, but I thought I'd post them so everybody can have access to them.
-Joe Offer-

---

NUMBERS NUMBERS

(Shel Silverstein)

I was settin' in Friday's suckin' on a glass of wine,
When in walked this chick who almost struck me blind.
She had wet blue eyes and her legs were long and fine;
On a scale of one to ten, I'd give her a nine.
Now, on my scale there ain't no tens, ya know.
Nine is 'bout as far as any bitch can go.
So I flashed her a smile, but she didn't even look at me,
So for brains and good judgement I'd have to give her a three.
I said, "Hey, sweet thing, you look like a possible eight.
You and me could make eighteen -- if your head's on straight."
She looked up and down my perfect frame,
Then said these word that burned into my perfect brain.
She said, "Well, well, another one of those macho-matician men
Who grade all women on scales of one to ten.
And you give me an eight? Well, that's a generous thing to do.
Now, let's just see just how much I give you.
You comin' on to me with that corny numbers jive,
Man -- your style makes me smile, I give it a five.
When you walked up, I noticed that suit you wore;
It's a last-year's, double-knit, shiny-ass, frayed-cuff -- I give it a four.
And that must be your car parked out on the curb;
That '69 Chevy homemade convertible gets you a three and a third.
Now, as for your build, I guess it's less than a five,
Except for your potbelly -- I give that a ten... for size.
And that wine you're pourin' might be fine to you,
But I'm used to fine champagne -- I give your booze a two.
It's hard to tell what your flashin' smile is worth;
I give it a six -- you could use some dental work.
But it's your struttin'-rooster act that really makes me laugh;
It may be a ten to these country hens, but to me it's a three and a half.
And there really ain't too much to add, once the subtractin's done,
But since there ain't no zeroes -- I give you a one!"
Then she walked out, while up and down the line,
The whole damn bar was laughin'. "Hey, Shel, what happened to your nine?"
"Nine?" says I. "Hell, soon as she started to talk, I knew
The bad-mouth bitch didn't have no class -- I barely give her a two.
Yeah, no matter how good they look at first, there's flaws in all of them.
That's why on a scale of ten to one, friend...there ain't no tens."



MARIE LAVEAUX
(Shel Silverstein)
Down in Lou´siana where the black trees grow
Live a voodoo lady named Marie Laveaux.
She got a black cat tooth and a mojo bone,
And anyone wouldn´t leave her alone.
She go GREEEEEEEEEEEE...
Another man done gone.
She live in a swamp in a hollow log
With a one-eyed snake and a three-legged dog.
She got a bent bony body and stringy hair,
And if she ever seen you messin´ round there,
She go GREEEEEEEEEEEE...
Another man done gone.
And then one night when the moon was black,
Into the swamp came Handsome Jack.
A no-good man like you all know,
And he was lookin´ around for Marie Laveaux .
He said, "Marie Laveaux, you lovely witch,
Why don´t you gimme a little charm that´ll make me rich.
Gimme million dollars, and I´ll tell you what I´ll do...
This very night I´m gonna marry you."
It´ll be UMMMMMMMM...
Another man done gone.
So Marie done some magic and she shook a little sand,
Made a million dollars, and she put it in his hand.
Then she giggled and she wiggled and she said, "Hey hey,
I´m gettin´ ready for my wedding day."
But ol´ Handsome Jack said "Goo-bye Marie.
You too damn ugly for a man like me."
So Marie started shakin´, her fangs started gnashin´,
Her body started shakin´, and her eyes started flashin´.
She went GREEEEEEEEEEEE...
Another man done gone.
So if you ever get down where the black tree grow
And meet a voodoo lady named Marie Laveaux,
And if she ever asks you to make her your wife,
Man, you better stay with her for the rest of your life
Or it´ll be GREEEEEEEEEEEE...
Another man done gone.

Words and music by Shel Silverstein & Baxter Taylor
Recorded by Bobby Bare



PUT ANOTHER LOG ON THE FIRE
(Shel Silverstein)

Put another log on the fire.
Cook me up some bacon and some beans.
And go out to the car and change the tire.
Wash my socks and blow my old blue jeans.
Come on, baby, you can fill my pipe
And then go fetch my slippers.
And boil me up another pot of tea.
Then put another log on the fire babe,
And come & tell me why you're leaving me.
Now don't I let you wash the car on Sunday?
And don't I warn you when you're gettin fat?
Ain't I a-gonna take you fishin' with me someday?
Well, a man can't love a woman more than that.
And ain't I always nice to your kid sister?
Don't I take her driving every night?
So, sit here at my feet cause I like you when you're sweet,
And you know it ain't feminine to fight.
So, put another log on the fire.
Cook me up some bacon and some beans.
And go out to the car and change the tire.
Wash my socks and blow my old blue jeans.
Come on, baby, you can fill my pipe
And then go fetch my slippers.
And boil me up another pot of tea.
Then put another log on the fire babe,
And come & tell me why you're leaving me.

Written by Shel Silverstein. Recorded by Tompall Glaser, 1974.




QUEEN OF THE SILVER DOLLAR
(Shel Silverstein)

She arrives in all her splendor
Every night at nine o'clock.
And her chariot is the crosstown bus
That stops right down the block.
Then the old piano minstrel
Plays her song as she walks in,
And the Queen of the Silver Dollar's home again.
She's the Queen of the Silver Dollar,
And she rules this smokey kingdom.
And her sceptre is a wine glass,
And this bar stool is her throne.
And the jesters flock around her,
And fight to win her favors
And see which one will take the Queen
Of the Silver Dollar home.
Her royal gown is a satin dress
That's stained and slightly torn.
And her sparklin' jewels are rhinestones,
And her shoes are scuffed and worn
From the many roads she's traveled
And the wondrous sites she's seen.
And I watch her and I pray.
God save the Queen.
The Queen of the Silver Dollar's
Not as haughty as she seems.
She was once an ordinary girl
With ordinary dreams,
But I found her and I won her.
And I brought her into this world.
Yes, I'm the man who made a Queen
Of a simple country girl.
Now she's the Queen of the Silver Dollar,
And she rules this smokey kingdom.
And her sceptre is a wine glass,
And this bar stool is her throne.
And the jesters flock around her
And fight to win her favors
And see which one will take the Queen
Of the Silver Dollar home.

Several artists performed this piece... including Dr. Hook, Sloppy Seconds
album, ©1972, Evil Eye Music, Inc.
From an anonymous email on May 19, 1999... "In case you've missed this up
until now, Emmylou Harris did "Queen" on the "Pieces of the Sky" album
which was released by WB in 1975. Linda Ronstadt did background vocals
and Ricky Skaggs played fiddle."


I'M GOIN' DOWN TO TEXAS (And Be One More Horse's Ass)
(Shel Silverstein)

How did I hurt that woman?
She never done me wrong
I run away and left her for
A redhead Amazon.
I got no brains, I got no sense.
I never had no class.
So I'm goin' down to Texas
And be one more horse's ass.

CHORUS: I'm goin' down to Texas
And be one more horse's ass.
I used to be a stallion
But that's all in the past.
So can't they settle on my nose
And point me towards the grass...
'Cause I'm goin' down to Texas
And be one more horse's ass!

I can't run in the hot sun.
I won't run in the mud.
I'm over-aged for racin'
And I'm overweight for stud.
But I can drink and I can fight
A soul of whiskey glass.
I'm goin' down to Texas
And be one more horse's ass!

CHORUS: I'm goin' down to Texas
And be one more horse's ass.
I used to be a stallion
But that's all in the past.
So can't they settle on my nose
And point me towards the grass...
'Cause I'm goin' down to Texas
And be one more horse's ass!


Lyrics and music by Shel Silverstein
from "the Great Conch Train Robbery"


IN THE HILLS OF SHILOH
(Shel Silverstein)

(Spoken Intro: You know, everything that's ever been written about the Civil
War,
they wrote about brother fightin' brother and father fightin' son, and
nobody has
ever really written a song about the ones that stayed behind, you know, like
the
women that lost their men. That's what this is about.)

Have you seen Amanda Blaine
In the hills of Shiloh...
Wandering through the morning rain
In the hills of Shiloh?
Have you seen her at her door
Listening for the cannon roar
And a man who went to war
From the hills of Shiloh?
Have you heard her mournful cries
In the hills of Shiloh?
Have you seen her haunted eyes
In the hills of Shiloh?
Have you seen her running down
Searching through the sleepy town
In her yellowed wedding gown
In the hills of Shiloh?

Have you seen her standing there
In the hills of Shiloh?
Wind a'blowing through her hair
In the hills of Shiloh
Listening for the sound of guns...
Listening for the roll of drums...
And a man who never comes
To the hills of Shiloh?

Have you heard Amanda sing
In the hills of Shiloh?
Whispering to her wedding ring
In the hills of Shiloh?
Hear her humming soft and low...
For Amanda doesn't know...
'Twas ended forty years ago
In the hills of Shiloh.

-- Shel Silverstein and Jim Friedman, Hollis Music Inc, BMI. Recorded by
Bobby Bare in 1973, "Lullabys, Legends and Lies"
Also recorded by Judy Collins' in 1963, "Judy Collins #3"

STILL GONNA DIE
(Shel Silverstein)

So you're takin' better care of your body
Becoming more aware of your body.
Responding to your body's needs.
Everything you hear and read about diets,
Nutrition and sleeping position and detoxifying your system,
And buying machines that they advertise to help you exercise.
Herbs to revitalize you if you're traumatized.
Soaps that will sanitize.
Sprays to deordorize.
Liquid to neutralize acids and pesticides.
Free weights to maximize your strength and muscle size.
Shots that will immunize.
Pills to re-energize you.
But remember that for all your pain and gain
Eventually the story ends the same...
You can quite smokin', but you're still gonna die.
Cut out cokin', but you're still gonna die.
Eliminate everything fatty or fried,
And you get real healthy, but you're still gonna die.
Stop drinkin' booze, you're still gonna die.
Stay away from cooze, you're still gonna die.
You can cut out coffee and never get high,
But you're still gonna, still gonna, still gonna die.
You're still gonna, still gonna, still gonna die.
Still gonna, still gonna, still gonna die.
You can even give aerobics one more try,
But when the music stops playin', you're still gonna die.
Put seat belts in your car, you're still gonna die.
Cut nicotine tar, you're still gonna die.
You can exercise that cellulite off your thigh.
Get slimmer and trimmer, but you're still gonna die.
Stop gettin' a tan, you're still gonna die.
You can search for UFO's up in the sky
They might fly you to Mars where you're still gonna die.
You're still gonna, still gonna, still gonna die.
Still gonna, still gonna, still gonna die.
And all the Reeboks and Nikes and Adidas you buy
You can jog up to heaven and you're still gonna die.
Drink ginseng tonics, you're still gonna die.
Try high colonics, you're still gonna die.
You can have yourself frozen and suspended in time,
But when they do thaw you out, you're still gonna die.
You can have safe sex, you're still gonna die.
You can switch to Crest, you're still gonna die.
You can get rid of stress, get a lot of rest,
Get an AIDS test, enroll in EST,
Move out west where it's sunny and dry
And you'll live to be a hundred
But you're still gonna die.
You're still gonna, still gonna, still gonna die.
Still gonna, still gonna, still gonna die.
So you'd better have some fun
'Fore you say bye-bye,
'Cause you're still gonna, still gonna, still gonna die.

-- Recorded by Bob Gibson, "Makin' a Mess", Asylum Records, copyright
1997.
Also recorded by The Old Dogs, "Old Dogs", copyright Evil Eye Music.



DADDY, WHAT IF
(Shel Silverstein)

(Spoken Intro: I'd like to introduce you to the next superstar. Twenty years
from now he's gonna be so ashamed of what he has done on this record that he's
probably gonna sue me. And he and all of his friends are gonna be sitting
around stoned and he'll say, "Look what the old man made me do!" Let's give a
big round of applause for Bobby Bare, Jr.)
BBJ: Daddy, what if the sun stopped shining?
What would happen then?

BB: If the sun stopped shining, you'd be so surprised
You'd stare at the heavens with wide open eyes,
And the wind would carry your light to the skies
And the sun would start shining again.

BBJ: But, Daddy, what if the wind stopped blowing?
What would happen then?

BB: If the wind stopped blowing, then the land would be dry,
And your boat wouldn't sail and, son, your kite couldn't fly,
And the grass would see your trouble and she'd tell the wind,
And the wind would start blowing again.

BBJ: But, Daddy, what if the grass stopped growing?
What would happen then?

BB: Well, if the grass stopped growing you'd probably cry,
And the ground would be watered by the tears from your eyes,
And like your love for me, that grass would grow so high.
Yes, the grass would start growing again.

BBJ: But, Daddy, what if I stopped loving you?
What would happen then?

BB: If you stopped loving me, then the grass would stop growing,
The sun would stop shining and the wind would stop blowing.
So you see, if you wanna keep this old world a'going,
You'd better start loving me again, again...
You better start loving me again.
You hear me, Bobby?

BOTH: You better start loving me again.
(You love me, Bobby? Yes)
You better start loving me again.

-- Shel Silverstein from Bobby Bare's 1973 album, "Lullabys, Legends and
Lies"

THE FATHER OF THE BOY NAMED SUE
(Shel Silverstein)

[Silverstein's speaking voice:] "Okay, now years ago, I wrote a song named
'A Boy Named Sue';, and that was okay and everything, except then I started
to think about it, and I thought, “It is unfair. I am looking at the whole
thing from the poor kid’s point of view. And as I get more older and more
fatherly, I begin to look at things from an old man’s point of view. So… I
decided to give the old man equal time. Okay. Here we go.”
Yeah, I lef’ home when the kid was three.
It sure felt good to be fancy free
Tho I knew it wasn’t quite the fatherly thing to do.
But that kid kept screamin’ and throwin’ up
And pissin’ in his pants til I had enough
So just for revenge I went and named him Sue.
It was Gatlinberg in mid July
I was gettin' drunk but gettin' by
Gettin' old and going from bad to worse
When thru the door with an awful scream
Comes the ugliest queen I’ve ever seen
He says my name is Sue. How do you do?
Then he hits me with his purse.
Now this ain’t the way he tells the tale
But he scratched my face with his fingernails
And then he bit my thumb
and kicked me with his high-heeled shoe.
So I hit him in the nose, and he started to cry
And he threw some perfume in my eye
And it sure ain’t easy fightin with a boy named Sue.
So I hit him in the head with a caned-back chair
And he screamed, “Hey Dad, you mussed my hair!”
And he hit me in the navel and knocked out a piece of my lint.
He was spittin' blood. I was spittin teeth.
And we crashed through the wall and out into the street
A-kickin and gougin' in the mud and the blood and the crème de menth.
Then out of his garter he pulls a gun.
I’m about to get shot by my very own son.
He’s screamin' about Sigmond Freud and lookin' grim.
So I thought fast and I told him some stuff
How I named him Sue just to make him tough.
And I guess he bought it, cuz now I’m livin' with him.
Yeah, he cooks and sews and cleans up the place.
He cuts my hair and shaves my face.
And irons my shirts better than a daughter could do.
And on the nights that I can’t score,
Well, I can’t tell you anymore.
Sure is a joy to have a boy named Sue.
Yeah, a son is fun,
But it’s a joy to have a boy named Sue.



THE MERMAID
(Shel Silverstein)

(Spoken Intro: When I was twelve years old I used to see the pictures of
mermaids in all the books and magazines. Not mermaids but mermaids (pronounced
MAREmaids), that's what we called them at home. And all the pictures, yeah,
they never had no bras on, they didn't have anything on! And I was old enough
that I knew that they didn't really exist, but, I also wondered, if they did
exist, what the hell would you do with one if you caught it?!)

When I was a lad in a fishing town, an old man said to me,
"You can spend your life, your jolly life, a-sailing on the sea.
You can search the world for pretty girls 'til your eyes grow weak and dim,
But don't go swimmin' with a mermaid, son, if you don't know how to swim!
'Cause her hair is green as sea-weed,
Her lips are blue and pale.
I'll tell you now before you start,
You can love that girl with all your heart,
But you'll only love the upper part;
You will NOT like the tail!
I signed on to a whalin' ship, and my very first day at sea,
I spied a mermaid in the waves, a-reachin' out to me.
"Come live with me in the sea," said she, "and down on the ocean's floor.
I'll show you a million wond'rous sights you've never seen before!"
So I jumped on in and she pulled me down, down to her seaweed bed.
A pillow she made of tortoise shells, and placed beneath my head.
She fed me shrimp and caviar from a silvery dish.
She was just my taste (down to her waist), but the rest of her was fish!
Her hair was green as seaweed.
Her lips were blue and pale.
Her face it was a work of art,
But I only gave her half my heart,
'Cause tho I loved the upper part,
I did NOT like the tail!
And then one day when I looked up, I saw a sailin' ship,
And I met the stare of a millionaire out on a fishing trip.
A diamond ring he tied on a string and lowered it down to her,
And my love divine, she went for the line and went for the usual lure!
So I sighed in the rolling tide, and I cried to the clams and the whales
How I missed her hair and her seagreen eyes; I missed the shine of her scales.
Just then her sister swam on by, and set my heart a-whirl --
For her upper part was an ugly old fish, but the bottom half was GIRL!
Her toes are round and rosey!
Her legs are slim and pale!
Her face might not be a work of art,
But I love that girl with all my heart.
And I don't give a damn about the upper part --
That's how I end my tale! ('Cause now I'm getting tail!)

Words and music by Shel Silverstein. "I'm So Good That I Don't Have to
Brag", 1965, Playboy, December, 1966, and "Bobby Bare Sings Lullabys,
Legends and Lies", 1973



THE COVER OF THE ROLLING STONE
(Shel Silverstein)

Oh, we’re big rock singers.
We got golden fingers.
And we’re loved everywhere we go.
We sing about beauty,
And we sing about truth
At ten thousand dollars a show.
We take all kinds of pills
To give us all kind of thrills,
But the thrill we’ve never known
Is the thrill that’ll getcha
When you get your picture
On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
Rolling Stone...
Wanna see my picture on the cover.
Stone...
Wanna buy five copies for my Mother.
Stone...
Wanna see my smiling face
On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
I got a freaky old lady
Named Cocaine Katy
Who embroiders all my jeans.
Got my poor old grey-haired daddy
Drivin’ my limousine.
It’s all designed to blow our minds,
But our minds won’t really get blown
Like the blow that’ll getcha
When you get your picture
On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
We gotta lotta little teenage bue-eyed groupies
Who do anything we say.
We got a genuine Indian guru
Who’s teaching us a better way.
We got all the friends that money can buy,
So we never have to be alone.
And we keep getting richer,
But we can’t get our picture
On the cover of the Rolling Stone.

From Dr Hook's "Bankrupt" album, 1972, Evil Eye Music, Inc.


The words to this song might seem "off" to those familiar with the Irish
Rovers version. This is Silverstein's original version from his "Dirty
Feet" collection.

UNICORNS
(Shel Silverstein)

A long time ago, when the Earth was green,
And there was more kinds of animals than you've ever seen.
And they'd run around free while the world was being born,
And the loveliest of all was the Unicorn.
There was green alligators and long-necked geese,
Hump back camels and some chimpanzees,
Cats and rats and elephants, but sure as you're born
The loveliest of all was the Unicorn.
But the Lord seen some sinnin' and it caused Him pain
He says, "Stand back, I'm gonna make it rain.
So hey, Brother Noah, I'll tell you what to do...
Go and build me a floating zoo,
And you take two alligators and a couple of geese,
Two hump backed camels and two chimpanzees,
Two cats, two rats, two elephants, but sure as you're born,
Noah, don't you forget my unicorns."
Now Noah was there and he answered the callin',
And he finished up the ark just as the rain started fallin'.
Then he marched in the animals two by two,
And he sung out as they came through...
"Hey Lord, I got you two alligators and a couple of geese,
Two hump backed camels and two chimpanzees,
Two cats, two rats, two elephants, but sure as you're born,
Lord, I just don't see your unicorns."
Well, Noah looked out through the drivin' rain,
But the unicorns were hidin', playin' silly games.
They were kickin' and a-splashin' while the rain was pourin' --
Oh, them foolish unicorns.
Then the ducks started duckin' and the snakes started snakin',
And the elephants started elephantin' and the boat started shakin',
The mice started squeakin' and the lions started roarin',
And everyone's aboard but them unicorns.
I mean the two alligators and a couple of geese,
The hump back camels and the chimpanzees,
Noah cried, "Close the door 'cause the rain is pourin',
And we just can't wait for them unicorns."
And then the ark started movin', it drifted with the tide.
And the unicorns looked up from the rocks and cried.
And the water came down and sort of floated them away.
That's why you've never seen a unicorn to this day.
You'll see a lot of alligators and a whole mess of geese,
You'll see hump back camels and chimpanzees,
you'll see cats and rats and elephants, but sure as you're born
You're never gonna see no unicorn.

Copyright 1962 and 1968 Hollis Music, NY



A FRONT ROW SEAT TO HEAR OLE JOHNNY SING
(Shel Silverstein)

Now you know some fellahs, they want fame and fortune
Yeah, and other fellahs they just wanna swing
But all I wanted all my life
Was a TV set and a truck and a wife
And a front row seat to hear ole Johnny sing.

Yeah the TV and the truck I got on credit.
And I got that girl with a little old Woolworth ring
And life was warm and life was sweet
But still, it was kinda incomplete
Without a front row seat to hear ole Johnny sing.

chorus:
Hey, John you walk the line,
Do "Deelia" one more time
And when you do them Cottonfields
You warm this heart of mine.

So, one day I thought, Hey, I'm gonna do it!
(That's what I said)
So, I mortgaged the farm and pawned her wedding ring.
I sold the gold tooth out of my mouth
And jumped in the pickup and headed South.
For a front row seat to hear ole Johnny sing.

I hit Nashville cold and wet and hungry.
I said, "I'm here, bring him on let him do his thing."
But they told me down at the Old Pit Grill
I'd have to go all the way to Andersonville
For a front row seat to hear ole Jonny sing.

I found his house knocked on the door and it was opened
By a brown-haired girl and a baby with a teethin' ring.
I said "I seen you somewhere before
but don't stand there and block the door
I want a front row seat to hear ole Johnny sing."

(chorus)

She said I'd have to go down to The Opry
And the feller there said I'd have to wait till Spring.
He said, "We've been sold out for months and months
And this poor insane fellah wants
A front row seat to hear ole Johnny sing."

Well, he said a couple more things, and I started cryin'
And then he laughed at me and that's when I started to swing.
Well I bust through the doors in a roaring rage,
Crawled over the crowd till I reached the stage
For a front row seat to hear ole Johnny sing.

(chrous)

Then some crazy guard started shootin'
I shot back, and the next thing I know I was winged
and on the floor
When a guy in a voice kinda deep and low
Says, "Boy that's a mighty long way to go
For a front row seat to hear ANYBODY sing."

And I guess that judge, he weren't no music lover.
I got fifteen months but that don't mean a thing.
Cos' yesterday in the prison yard
A show come through and HAR! de HAR!
I had a front row seat to hear ole Johnny sing.

(chorus plus some typical Shel ranting and raving)