"it meant your mate down the local folk club whose kid has been sucking on their bottle of pop and snapping at your ankles at the session since they were toddlers; maybe you even encouraged them, gave them a bit of friendly advice"

That sounds like our daughter. At the moment it's a toss up between Avril Lavigne and Rachael McShane.

"I should think for females, the wearing of 3/4 length leggings (hideous) and a tatty dress will get you far!!"

Sound like mrsleveller - hey, I think we're onto a winner, here. Where does an ugly bloke with a shaved head, earrings and a waistcoat fit in?