In honesty, Good Soldier Schweik, I think most people have a problem truly understanding the deeper aspects of gender dysphoria and the need to have your body changed to be congruent to how you feel you are. Obviously, for the majority of people, they are quite happy being the man or the woman they know they are. They may empathise with my situation but how could anyone not feeling the same truly know what it was like?

I have no idea what it is like to have cancer. I can empathise with those who do, but I cannot pretend to begin to understand exactly how it feels. That is why I say I can only comment on what it feels like to be me.

I have had men say to me "OMG! I would die if I had to have that done (have their willy removed)". Of course they would. They are men who need to be attached to their genitals. I could never understand why men were happy being men before all this came out in me. I always was flustered and confused by male bonding and 'boys being boys'. All that has gone for me now as I am in my right space.

Try to imagine getting up in a morning and each time you look at the mirror a stranger is staring back. Having to shave your face and hating every second of it as you get ready to spend the day living a lie and hiding the better side of you from everyone. Imagine not being able to be yourself and having to be what everyone one wanted you to be.

You are a man. Imagine having to dress every day and go out into the world and present as a woman - a woman everyone adores but whom you hate being - and still having to remain functional in your job and with your family and friends. In the end something would give.

I have so much respect for those transsexual people who do not do what I do. Those who stayed around and suffered for the sake of those around them. I was not that brave and I took a selfish route to 'become myself' so that then I could deliver what I needed to others. My love came with conditions therefore.

I am not proud of what I have done. I know I am not a bad person but I often do not feel I have been a good person either. I chose to be me over staying with the three people who loved me as I was. They loved me unconditionally.

All that aside. If you imagine the above happening to you then maybe it will give you some idea of some of the driving forces as to why I did what I have. I think most sane people would feel similar.

We all seek to escape lives that are bad for us. Some are lucky enough to be able to manage it. I do not feel cursed by what has happened to me. I actually feel blessed in many ways. My life has taught me far more about life generally than I ever would have experienced living as I was.

For what it is worth. One of those three people who stood by and supported me is now dead. She was a remarkable woman. If I manage to be 25% of the woman she was then I will be a great woman indeed. The other two are still in my life and still love me unconditionally. I can now love them so much easier than I used to. I can forget about me far more now and deal with other's issues rather than mine. I am now in my proper niche.

Regrets? I have a few. But, then again, too few to mention (lol)

I do not have a single regret I am who I am. I do regret that some got hurt in my process. I now work on trying to make that up to them. I also regret to find that I am capable of being so selfish too. It's not a trait I like. However, I have to be honest and take my life as it is, and that means accepting the 'bad' bits of me as well as the good. This is who I am.

Hope this helps a little bit more to put some perspective on it

anon