Murray mentions "The other factor is the effect which the transformation is likely (or certain) to have on other family members, and the degree of responsibility which one should assume, or disregard."

I have already made mention that there were people in my life that were affected by decisions I made. I will never be free of guilt for having made those decisions and yet do I regreat who I am? No.

In my case I tried desperately hard to go through each step and not take the next without consulting those close to me that truly mattered. I was still selfish however. I do not live in a vacuum - none of us do - and our actions often have immedaite effects on others near by who have no choice in the matter. This is why when people say how proud I should be of what I have acheived I am always at pains to point out that pride is not the thing I feel the most of. I feel guilt and pain for those who got hurt by the flack I caused. I am fortuante. Those close to me stood by me and took what came but there are still 'protection' issues to many around me and I will defend their place asx best I can with safety in mind for them. Many of those no longer accept me for fear of what may happen in the future because of me. I accept the charge but also do more to save their position than I do my own. I am no 'nice person'. It is simply what they deserve for having once been attached to me through fault of birth.

I do not see you as a bigot. I think you have a genuine struggle to understand what it is makes some people go the 'whole hog', seemingly with no thought for those around them, and you search for answers. It is only what I did when I was going through the whole process. Gender counselling is quite bad. I wasa told many years ago to 'forget my family and move on' by the very team supposed to be helping me. I ignored their advice (demands) almsot to my peril. It took me 8 years to get through a system it takes 2 normally. It had to be done my way. Not theirs. It was/is my life. Not theirs. Some of the advice and demands they make are cruel and totally unreasonable. I fear some do it because they have to survive the system. I can only comment about me.

This has been easier for me than those around me. I have worked on keeping relationships alive that were being killed by my need to be able to live as who I am. I cut a balance. Many cannot manage it and some have the backs of loved ones turned against them too. But then people do that all the time to each other and their children. Broken homes, affairs, divorce and such all take their toll on children. It is them who need looking out for and often that means making a complete break for many.

I am not making any excuses for my selfishness nor the decisions I made. I take the whole responsibility for them and try even now to put things right I made wrong. Guilt is an every day thing of my life. So it should be. I deserve that and see it as my wages often.

I am sorry I happened to many of the people in my life. I am not sorry they happened to me. All I can do is try and limit the damage.

For many they would have been better off attending my funeral than having to know I was doing what I was doing and am what I am. But I also know well what suicide does to those left behind so that was not an option I could take even when I thought about it.

I have not been out all weekend. Between this thread and other things that have been said to me this weekend by various people I have felt quite overwhelmed by it all. The fact is that it all falls to the gender dysphoric person to sort it and deal with it all. It all falls on their shoulders when the real culprits for the damage, the fear and the hate are the bigots and the bullies. I do not have to be safe and careful for those I love because I am a woman. I have to do that because there are people out there who like judging, hurting and messing in others lives. They are the ones who caise the damage. But for now, until society changes fully, I will carry my share of the blame and guilt. After all. It is my decisions that have caused it to happen. QED It has to be my fault.

anon