That is an interesting observation, Crow Sister.

In Maine, it is the norm to offer help and stand back. If it is wanted or needed, you know soon enough. If not, the offer is appreciated but refused. Keep pushing and you will be pushed back. That "martyrdom" you mention is neither appreciated nor accepted. My aunt used to call it Mary Martyr Syndrome - you can actually see the flames licking around their feet.

As you said "there's a secondary gain embedded in their need to be needed, it gives them self-esteem or a sense of superiority or even power over others."

As to the appropriateness of a given "help" thread, I have two observations. First is the obvious - stay out of a thread that you are not interested in. Second (and a read of Kendall's, Tom's, Maeve's, katlaughing's, LilyFestre's, even Brett's Guam thread proves this out) the threads provide communication when there is no other venue.

I relied on posts in both Tom (Curmudgeon's) and Kendall's threads when Linn and Jacqui were too overwhelmed to call or email. We used phone chains and email chains to share info. Some of it was simply to know what was going on but often it was to plan logistics for mail and prescription pick-ups, pet care, meeting places in Boston, etc. The hospitals banned the use of cell phones as did the damn busses and I don't have a Facebook account. Mudcat was it.

Updates provided friends from Alaska to London and in-between with information in a timely convenient fashion.

Maeve's thread was often the only way we could keep in touch when her phone service was out. It still is. Her computer is in the local library; her phone is still not connected.

PMs don't always work if one can log in only as a guest.

I follow Miss Tam's thread for her support and my own. Lily's ongoing cancer saga is the basis for a book - honest, brutal and inspirational.

I don't see any of these people as needing or getting my protection. They are adults perfectly capable of handling their own affairs but asking for emotional support. And there are UKers who ask for support, sympathy, a good vent, sometimes within a thread sometimes in a personalized thread. They can "out" themselves if they choose. LOL

The Power of Positive Thought? I can see BillD cringing. But I know a family in Florida who believe that it was our prayers and good wishes that got their daughter through an impossible brain surgery to walk, talk and improve daily. I am not going to tell them it is BS.

So I guess in summary I would say if you find yourself "protecting" a person who has asked only for emotional support. Back off and re-think why you are doing what you are doing. Is it about them or about you?

Sorry for the ramble.
SINS