Ok. Reality. I have something feeling off in my stomach...kinda feels like a ping pong ball in their. I can't physically feel it with my hands when I press down on my abdomen but I feel it in there. It's been there for maybe 2 weeks. It doesn't usually hurt. If it's still there on Monday, I'm calling the oncologist to see about having a scan done. Of course my absolute worst fear is that the cancer has spread. In my head I hear the numbers of my last test...they were GREAT. The doctors told me everything was fine. I've looked up the symptoms of pancreatic cancer and they don't match up with what I'm feeling. Good. Very good. I'm still waking up in the morning feeling like something bad is pulsating through my veins...it's an acutal physical feeling that I have to talk myself down from or out of every morning. I'm ok. My numbers are ok. Both oncologists wrote letters for me stating no evidence of disease (NED).
       Soooooooo...late at night when my brain has carried this line of thought too far, I freak out. I decided that if the worse case scenario would be to happen, I'd want my family to have things that I made for them out of love. Not stuff I bought but stuff I've made. So...during the last few sleepless nights I've been working on a scarf for my husband. He's been asking me for one since I learned to knit (maybe 2 years ago) and this year, he's going to have his scarf. I wish I knew how to knit more than a scarf but I don't so that is what he will get. I've been working on montages and photo albums as well. I plan to have everything put on DVD and also on flash drives that will be stored in my safety deposit box so my family will always have it. I know it's morbid but I can't help it. I don't think the cancer has spread (although I do worry about it) but on the same hand, if it has, I want something for my husband, child, mother and friend that they can hold close and remember me.
    I think about who might have to clean out my nightstand or go through the stuff on my side of the bed and have been keeping it cleaned up. Silly? Maybe. I hope so. I hope it is a totally useless exercise in keeping things neat and orderly.
    I suppose this is on my mind because it seems that when random people find out I have ovarian cancer they go on to tell me that they know someone with ovarian cancer and how it has spread to their pancreas, stomach, lungs, brain....you get the idea.   I wish they wouldn't share that kind of thing because it scares the snot out of me and fires up my imagination while my logical brain SCREAMS, THAT'S NOT YOU!! CANCER IS SO INDIVIDUAL. THAT SCENARIO IS NOT YOU. BREATHE. BREATHE. BREATHE.
    Today I found a very talented artist and have commissioned a family portrait painting. I want reminders here of the life we live together and the happiness that lives here in this house.
    No wonder I can't sleep at night on my own. My brain is like a runaway train with this.
    *Deep Breath*   I hear Bobert in the distance telling me I am going to be Queen of the 10,000 survivors.....I have every intention of proving him right.

XOXOXOXO

Michelle