Oh, Damn It All by Morticia aka TerriM
(Tune:  Danny Boy)

Oh damn it all, the pipes, the pipes are frozen
The plumber's here at half past twelve at night
To call him out is not what I'd have chosen
But it's ten below and I might get frostbite

And I can hear him cursing at the boiler
And I can feel cold water round my feet
I'd give my arm for just one cup of coffee
And both my legs, to feel a bit of heat

Oh damn it all, the pipes, the pipes are frozen
The plumbers gone and left me in the cold
He drew his breath over his teeth and said "Love,
I've never seen a boiler quite that old"

And then he said" What cowboy fitted this then?"
And then he charged me half my yearly pay
He said " The parts you need, well, they don't make 'em,
And I'll be back...a week on Saturday"

Oh damn it all, the pipes, the pipes are frozen
It's been ten days since I last had a bath
I swear I saw a penguin in the kitchen
And then the plumber came whistling up the path

Well I was cold, and wet and tired & tealess
I just saw red, a hammer came to hand
That's my defence, Your Honour, he provoked me.
She let me off and shook me by the hand.