Why LH should not get married.

Why Gay People Shouldn't Get Married

1. Being Little Hawk is not natural. Regular married people always reject unnatural things like philosophy, folk music, and chimps.

2. Little Hawk's marriage would encourage people to be like Little Hawk, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3. Legalizing Little Hawk's marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to question accepted norms, admire William Shatner and grow their hair long.

4. Conventional marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, chimps still can't marry Winona Ryder, and divorce is still illegal.

5. Conventional marriage would be undermined if a Little Hawk marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6. Conventional marriages are valid because they promulgate overpopulation. Little Hawk shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7. Obviously Little Hawk parents will raise Little Hawk children, who may listen to Bob Dylan, Buffy St Marie, watch Tarzan and otherwise subvert the dominant paradigm.

8. A Little Hawk marriage could confuse the next generation. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. A Little Hawk marriage could lead people to think in dangerous abstractions, and ask complex questions about matter, consciousness, and where to get a good guitar.

9. Children can never succeed without a clear male role model at home. A man with a diffident manner and ambiguous concepts could lead our youth to become flexible and to consider giving up that accountancy career.

10. A Little Hawk marriage would change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Like reading the Coles notes version of LoTR.