Having been a soundman I have learned that a soundman is a peon to be abused by every musician who isn't happy with the mix. It is a thankless job. You try to get the bastards miked up right and they insist on doing some damn fool thing that will totally hose the sound and you cannot talk them out of it.

I once did sound for a jazz society whose union musicians did not feel they owed me a soundcheck beforehand and yet expected the sound to be perfect. When you tell them a soundcheck ensures that it will be, it's not in their contract.

Then there's the dipshit who has to fuck with the volume on his amp instead of having me turn it up in the monitors. Now he's drowning everyone out and I have to dial him down but that's not as bad as the guy who turns his amp down and now I can't bring it up high enough from the board for people to hear it. And the phrase, "If you need anything up or down, tell me and I will do it from the monitors--DON'T do it from your amps!" That translates to musicians' ears as: "powpueoqietqlnvn.zkxgnworiut23097243khwvpoiiyqertjnbgoihher"

Then there's the guys who fuck up their set and blame you--the soundman--YOU caused it. "I couldn't hear myself!" So you ask, "How can I know that if you don't say anything?" which translates to them as, "Please give me more of your uncalled-for abuse. I just can't get enough."

Then there's dickwads in the crowd who come up and tell you how they want the sound mixed or they flat out abuse you. "That sounds like SHIT!" I just say, "Oh, I'm sorry! Would you like to take over the board, I love to learn from a real professional." Then they tell everyone what a smartass you are and won't listen to reason. One time at an old-timers Dixieland jazz show, a guy comes up and says, "I can't hear the piano!" He was fucking 90! No exaggeration--he was 90 years old. I'm supposed to blow everybody out of their chairs to bring up the piano just for him. What can you do? You can't turn it up or it drown everything out. The mix is fine but he standing there expecting you to turn it up. So I turn up the volume of a knob on a channel I'm not using. Then I smile and shrug.

Now, most musicians have some degree of civility but, man, I got to tell you that there are some REAL fucking assholes out there. ASSHOLES! Then when their show's over--they're out of there while you have to pack up your board, your snake, your mikes and stands, your speakers and monitors, every cord and cable. Do they help? FUCK NO!

I think before you ever do a live set, you should be required to spend a year doing sound for other bands first. THEN you will know what it feels like when musicians expect you to shit miracles out of every goddamn orifice. Then you will know how thankless it is to be a soundman.

Quite frankly, I'll never do it again. I was getting paid $300 a pop and I still won't ever do it again. It was THAT bad.