You can play or download a recording of this song at The Internet Archive. It's song #5 on that page. Here's my transcription. Note that it has a few gaps and doubtful phrases. Please post corrections if you can.


GRANDFATHER'S BAGPIPES
Words and music by W. E. Haines and J. Harper, ©1936.
As sung by Gracie Fields

We come o' grand ol' Scottish stock wi' thistles in our blood.
Our family all answer to that grand old name Macmudd.
We're canny folk and thrifty too; that's always been our boast,
But the bagpipes Grandpa left to us are what we treasure most.

'E won the battle o' Waterloo
With 'is toora-loora-loora-loo,
But what was the cause o' the hullabaloo?
Grandfather's bagpipes!
When 'e stood on the burnin' deck,
And the angry waves were washin' 'is neck,
What was it saved 'im from the wreck?
Grandfather's bagpipes!

He used 'em as a lifebuoy and reached a cannibal isle.
The cannibals strut around to 'im and gave 'im a welcome smile.

The king said, "'Ave 'im served undressed,
And save me a little bit off the chest,"
But what was it soothed 'is savage breast?
Grandfather's bagpipes!

Their fame soon spread around the world from London to Dundee,
From Bethnal Green to Aberdeen and to the BBC.
We took 'im to America. The president said, "Say!
Pop 'round tonight and let us have a real old Scottish lay."

We played 'im Yankee-Doodle-Doo
An' a couple o' dozen fits he threw,
But what was it we used to bring 'im to?
Grandfather's bagpipes!
Then to Hollywood we took a trip.
We didn't know 'ow to shake a hip,
But what was it earned our bread an' drip?
Grandfather's bagpipes!

The emperor of China said, "Bagpipes very much nice."
"Och aye! It's wonderful music to frighten away the mice."

"Now how do I play this blather, my lad?"
"Just suck it in, see, then blow it hard."
The finest of music, nothing bad.
Grandfather's bagpipes!

We keep 'em hangin' on the wall with all 'is spears an' knives,
Surrounded by the photies of his twenty-seven wives.
The tartan's old and faded but they still play Scottish lays
We find 'em very useful in a dozen diff'rent ways.

For when we want our chickens to lay
A couple o' dozen eggs a day,
We march around the yard an' play
Grandfather's bagpipes!
But what is it makes the Brussels sprout,
An' guinea pigs wag their tails about,
And what is it brings the neighbours out?
Grandfather's bagpipes!

They make a lovely teapot, a vacuum cleaner, too,
A waterin' can for the garden and we use 'em to sweep the flue.

At the end of time, as sure as you're born,
When Gabriel's tired of blowin' 'is 'orn,
What'll we hear on Judgement Morn?
Grandfather's bagpipes!

[Corrections made by a Mudelf based on comments below.]