An excellent budget, to me, would have been them saying "Fook, we got this soooooo wrong! We've buggered up the country, buggered up the people and now we have to put this right!...So, here's what we're going to do...

As we've only one soldier, one sailer, and one candlestick maker left in the country, along with one vehicle, airborne, seaborne, waxborne or otherwise, for each of them, we're going to take the BILLIONS we keep for defence out of the bank and put it over to hospitals, libraries, communities. We're going to half the price of petrol and make you pay to use motorways, because that way, the ordinary folks who just need their cars to 'live' won't be pushed aside and left marooned in the countryside any longer...

I expect you all noticed how fast we got our plane over to Libya and how much it er...cost us to do this...We're a bit embarrassed about this to be honest....

We're also going to bring all the Bankers to Court, along with all the other Crooked Corporate Bastards, and make them give back all the money they've stolen from the country.

Then, we're going to get the Her Majesty's Custom and Excise to customise and exercise the right of your Ordinary People to take back all the money they've stolen off you these past years...

We're going to talk to the Queen to see if she'll sell of her Crown Jewels and do Something Really Useful with the money for Her People because we think it's way past time that happened...and she can buy copies from Swarvoski for a fraction of the price which will glitter just as nicely...

We're going to set the children free from stress by all us politicians selling off our shares in Edukashon R Us, giving the money to the Lifelong Learning System we aim to set up...where no child will ever have to sit an examination ever again, unless they want to focus in a particular area, such as brain surgery or some other worthy cause, but exams will be removed from schools, replaced by a general Certificate of Learning which every child will get and which talks about their Spirit alongside their academic strengths.

We're going to make everyone feel better by having a Clean Britain again! Yes, we've noticed how filthy this country's become, so we're making thousands of new jobs for Road Sweepers again, all over the country. Parks will also have Park Keepers, to keep them safe and tidy, as they always used to be. Buses will also have Conducters on them again, to ensure the driver can drive safely once more, and that customers are kept safe and happy in a pleasant environment where drinks cans don't roll about all day long, or children shout "Fuck off you tw*t!" in other passengers ears. We're also going to make the Rail Companies halve their fares, and put double the amount of railway coaches on, to ensure that all passengers have seats whilst they travel, and those who don't get a full refund on their ticket.

England will become the same as Scotland and Wales, with free NHS prescriptions, no SATS tests for little children...and a great pride in Being English (no matter what your skin colour) will spread throughout the land...along with free university education and free care for all in their old age, so that no-one has to sell their home off, and children will be able to inherit, as they have always done.

All MPs and Councillors will get ordinary wages..and the Minimum Wage will rise to £9 an hour so that people will be able to have a decent living wage, not having to struggle on wages that haven't changed since 1978....

Car Parks will be 20p an hour...

Speed Cameras will ALL disappear....

Town cameras will ALL disappear....

People will once again be presumed Innocent, rather than Guilty....

No-one will have to have NVQs to get a job, nor PVAs nor QSAs or RVUs, because folks will become sensible again and realise that everyone can learn the job as they go along...

People will get decent annual pay rises, as they always used to, instead of 7pence an hour more.

People will get decent Christmas Bonuses, as they always used to, instead of 'an extra £10' if that...

People will have CONTRACTS for every job in the land.

People will no longer be expected to be available to an employer for 6/7 days 7am to 11pm, when only accepting a job for 4 hours, with no contract.

Unions will be Government funded to ensure no workers are treated as slaves.

The National Curriculum will focus on ensuring children always ask questions, WANT to be Individuals, creative and free-thinking Spirits. They will be taught kindness and empathy, sensitivity and compassion and be given in lessons in how to build, run and be part of Happy Communities where everyone cares for everyone else, regardless of age, colour or creed...

People who want to have 16 children and expect the State to house them will be told they can't.

Mothers will be held up as being great for the country! They'll no longer be overshadowed by Child Minders, because mothers will be paid to stay at home to care for their children, create the communities and bring up the next generation to be intelligent, loving and caring.

How are we going to fund this?

By using all the money we now spend on Wars, Prisons, Drug Centres, Alcohol Centres, ASBOs, Social Services for Abused Children, Fostering Socieities, Accident and Emergency Departments, Counsellors for families of those who've committed suicide...the list is endless...

How will it work?

It will work because FINALLY, we've had the guts to stand up and say it's not just our finances that are broken, it is US.   We have allowed so much stress to be put on people that they are imploding at the speed of our one aircraft flying to Libya at this moment...and we need to end it all.

When we do, many things will change.

We are coming together as a country, as a nation, as political parties, as People. There will be an end to class, to division, to the sickeningly rich and the sickened poor.

We can do this if we all pull together....and that is precisely why, I, as your Chancellor, will be the first to sell my big house, give away so much of family wealth..and re-connect with everyone, for I realise that the only hope of Survival is.....Equality & Unity."


Now *that* would be an excellent budget.....