Here's another transcription of mine from a video at YouTube:


A BURGLAR'S EXPERIENCE WITH AN OLD MAID*
As recorded by John Ferrell on a Zonophone record, 1901.

I'll sing you a song of a burglar chap
    who went out to rob a house.
He lifted a window and then he crawled in,
    as quiet as a mouse.
He looked for a place for to hide himself,
    till all the folk were asleep,
And then says he, "With all the money I see,
    I'll take a quiet peep."
So under the bed the burglar crept
    and hid himself close to the wall.
He never once thought 'twas an old maid's room
    or he never would have had the gall.
He thought of all the money he'd get,
    as under the bed he lay.
About nine that night, oh, he saw such a sight!
    In an hour his hair turned gray.

It was just nine o'clock the old maiden came in.
    "Oh, dear! I'm so tired," she said,
And thinking that night of course all would be right,
    she never looked under the bed.
She pulled out her teeth and her big glass eye
    and all of the hair off her head.
The burglar had seventeen athletic fits
    as he looked out from under the bed.
He thought of a chance that he'd get away;
    ... was a total wreck.
The fussy old maid was wide awake
    and she collared this ... by the neck.
She never once hollered or screamed worth a cent,
    but stood there as cool as a clam
And murmured, "My prayer has been answered at last!
    Thank heavens! They've sent me a man!"

And the band played Annie Laurie, and Annie Rooney too,
And the band played anybody, for any old thing would do**.


[* Title as listed at YouTube. It is stamped onto the record as "A BURGULARS [sic] EXPERIENCE WITH AN OLD MAID".

[** Possibly a reference to a music-hall song sung by Harry Champion, ANY OLD THING WILL DO.]