Chet - In fact, on the tape that I have of it, Mike Agranoff sings it and segues right into a concertina version of the Temperance Reel.

Dick - alright, since you asked so nicely. :) (Goes to fetch the tape to type it from)

INVITATION TO A FUNERAL

I received an invitation to go to a funeral,
But to my sad misfortune now the fellow didn't die.
Of course the man was vexed at disappointing all the mourners,
But then he apologized and so we let the thing go by.
To make up for disappointing us, he took us out and treated us.
He bought a pint of porter for a company of ten;
Until somebody asked him just whose money was he squandering?
He put the fellow's eyelids into mourning there and then.

Well, the owner of the beer shop, observing we were riotous,
Gave orders to evict us, but of course we all refused;
So he whistled up some loungers who were loafing in the corner,
And for ten or fifteen minutes we were thoroughly abused.
And then we left the beer shop and down the street did stagger,
Where a gang of corner boys commenced at pelting us with mud.
We asked for them to chuck it and they told us they were doing so,
And so we turned on them and left them lying where they stood.

Well, the next that we encountered was a company of Salvationers
Who rifled all our pockets 'till we begged that we be saved,
And little Mac MacGinty got invited to the station
For inquiring of a policeman how his ancestors behaved.
To make MacGinty's bail, every man took off his undershirt,
And down to the pawnshop we brought the jolly lot.
We told the man we wanted only ten and sixpence on 'em.
"There's enough on them already" was the answer that we got.

Well, we got the ten and sixpence and went off to free MacGinty,
But the devil take the beer shop that attacked us on the way.
We couldn't pass it by without accepting some refreshment,
And we drank up every penny of the fine we had to pay.
We bought a concertina for to make the high hilarity,
Though none of us could play it, though we tried our best - and worst.
We knocked a lot of noise from it, if that's of any consequence.
We handled it so gently that the bellows it did burst.

Well, we got a boiled potato for to mend the concertina with,
When someone hit Maloney with the carcass of a cat.
He buttoned up his whiskers and began to read the Riot Act.
He swore he'd put two heads upon the fellow who did that.
Then Maloney hit Mahoney and Mahoney hit some other man,
And everyone hit anyone to whom he'd owed a spite;
And the crippled McNamara who'd been sitting saying nothing
Got a kick that blacked his eye for not indulging in the fight.

Well, the liquor being into us, the sense was nearly out of us,
So for a bit of rioting we straightway did repair.
We battered one another 'till we all weren't worth three ha'pence,
And you couldn't see the carpet on the floor for skin and hair.
We battered one another 'till the police separated us
And marched us off to jail with bloody noses and black eyes.
They marched us off to jail - and to me it's proved a lesson:
One should never go to funerals unless somebody dies.

Slán,
Kiwi

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