Here's how I spent some of my spare time while Mudcat was down: I transcribed songs by some of my favorite singers.

The songs I plan to post today all came from The Internet Archive:

Spoken patter is in italics.

I have indicated with a dash where there is a change of speaker in the patter, but I have not done so in the singing parts, although Jones and Hare often sing alternate lines. In fact their arrangement often turns a song into a dialog, even when it was written as a monolog, so to speak. Thus they often change pronouns from "I" to "you" or "we." I trust that, if you want to sing these songs, you can work out the appropriate pronoun for yourself.


AS A PORCUPINE PINES FOR ITS PORK (THAT'S HOW I PINE FOR YOU)
Words by Art Walsh. Music by A Paganucci.
New York: Joe Morris Music Co., ©1925.
As sung by Billy Jones & Ernest Hare (The Happiness Boys) accompanied by Dave Kaplan on piano.

—Say, Bill, shall we sing that crazy porcupine song?
—Yes, Ernest. I just feel crazy enough to sing it.
—Then we'll both be crazy. All right, Dave.

1. Porcupines are all full of quills.
Kiss them and you're sure to get thrills.
Weeping willows like to weep,
Just like I weep for you.
As a porcupine pines for its pork,
That's how I pine for you.
As a grasshopper hops on the grass,
I'll hop right after you.
As an eggplant plants its egg,
I'll plant myself near you.
Not a woodchuck would chuck wood
As I would chuck my love at you.

—Say, Bill, what's the difference between a rich man and a dog's tail?
—A dog's tail keeps a-waggin', and a rich man keeps an automobile!

2. Alligators come through the gate,
But goodbye, leg, if you get away late.
Lollies always like to pop.
I'll pop the question too.
As a porcupine pines for its pork,
That's how I pine for you.
As a woodpecker pecks at the wood,
I'll always peck at you.
As a Pekinese peeks at the knees,
I'll always peek at you.
All the oil cans can their oil,
But I can tie the can to you.

—Say, Bill, we've got a new dog down at my house.
—What's his name, Ernie?
—Why, Ginger.
—Does Ginger bite?
—No, Ginger snaps!

3. As a butterfly flies at the butter,
I'll fly right after you.
As a mouse trap traps the mouse,
That's just how I'll trap you.
As the lipstick sticks to the lip,
I'll always stick to you.
As the earring rings the ear,
I'm going to put a ring on you.

—Tell me, Ernest, how do you produce sawdust?
—Produce sawdust? Why, uh, let me see, uh—
—Come, come! Use your head!
—Oh, Will!

4. If they find the guys who wrote this song,
They'll not be here for long.
As the sharpshooter likes to shoot,
We'll shoot those crazy goofs.
Every nutcracker has its nuts,
And nuts from trees do fall,
But of all the nuts and crazy mutts,
They are the worst of all!

—Bill, what do cannibals do with the heads of their victims?
—I guess they make noodle soup out of them, Ernie!

5. If we don't sing another chorus,
We hope you'll still be for us.
We bought dictionaries by the score,
But we can't find no more.
Just buy yourself a ukulele,
And while you're strumming gaily,
Sing your own words to this crazy song.
They're all right if they're wrong.


[The following verses come from a different and longer recording (#2 at the Internet Archive page) with an orchestra accompaniment, and no patter.]

3b. As the penholder holds the pen,
That's just how I'll hold you.
As the soupspoon spoons with the soup,
That's how I'll spoon with you.
As the Sunkist kissed the sun,
I'll keep on kissing you.
As the lemon squeezer squeezes lemons,
That's just how I'll squeeze you.

3c. Every old rubber tire tires,
But I'll not tire of you.
As the fruit punch punches the fruit,
That's just how I'll punch you.
As the fish-hook hooks the fish,
Believe me, I'll hook you.
As Mary Pickford picks a Ford,
That's just how I picked you.

3d. As the coal heaver heaves his coal,
I'll heave my love at you.
As the earache aches for the ear,
My poor heart aches for you.
As the broomstick sticks to the broom,
I'll always stick to you.
As the bull's-eye eyes the bull,
I'm going to keep an eye on you.