The Ballad of the Door Opener



Ever since my Candy left me
I've been all alone
She took my television, too
She took my new I-Phone
Took the iPad and the laptop
While I was in the crapper
Only thing she left me was
My old garage door zapper!

Up! Down! Down and up!
It's all I have to do
Watch that stupid garage door,
I'm fed up through and through
If that damn bitch was here right now
Id kick her ass ands slap her
For taking all my everything
Except the garage door zapper.

It took me years to find a girl
Who'd put up with my style
I'm kinda anti-social
ANd I do not often smile.
I don't care much for feeling
Tho' I greatly love to schtup!
And now she's gone, and I sit home
ANd watch that door go up.

Up! Down! Down and up!
It's all I have to do
Watch that stupid garage door,
I'm fed up through and through
If that damn bitch was here right now
Id kick her ass ands slap her
For taking all my everything
Except the garage door zapper.

I cruised the town, and I cruised the burbs
Hoping to find some lovin'
But it seems she'd put the word out
'Bout my hitting, and my shovin'
And everyone turned their back on me
OF the gals I knew in town
So I guessed I''d just go back and watch
That door go up and down!

Up! Down! Down and up!
It's all I have to do
Watch that stupid garage door,
I'm fed up through and through
If that damn bitch was here right now
Id kick her ass ands slap her
For taking all my everything
Except the garage door zapper.

But as I drove through Fairville Way
A-clicking on my clicker
I heard a most amazing sound
(THough it might have been the liquor).
A garage door was opening
In a home I did not know
And it was plain no-one was in
As up that door did go!!

Up! Down! Down and up!
Just like a magic charm
That clicker worked that garage door
With never an alarm!
And in that house was food and drink!
A laptop and a mouse
I even found a .44
In the bedroom of that house!

I laughed and pranced and surfed and danced
This new found life was bitchin!
I even made some brownies up
In their all-electric kitchen!
I satisfied my furious lust
Cruising the web for porn.
And I napped in that rich man's bed
As though a rich man born.

Up! Down! Up! Down!
My special in and out!
My whanger whanged the evening through,
Til I was plumb wore out!
But as I drifted off to sleep
On his silken sheets so fine
I heard someone make a rattling sound
ANd that alarmed my mind.

I ran out through that garage door
I knocked the neighbor down
ANd I peeled out and sped away
To the cheaper end of town
Back to my dreary stupid flat
With its ugly little crapper.
But never mind! Cuz I've still got
That little garage door zapper!

Up! Down! Down and up!
It's all I have to do
Watch that stupid garage door,
I'm fed up through and through
I'm sorry that the broad is gone
That tawdry little flapper.
But she made it up to me, because
She left that garage door zapper.