ME NO SPEAK-A GOOD ENGLISH
Words and music by Harry Pease, E.G. Nelson and Moe Schenck.
New York: Leo. Feist, ©1923.
As sung by Billy Jones & Ernest Hare (The Happiness Boys), 1924.

[EH] Tell me, Tony, why the people nickname you The Cheat.
[BJ] That's-a just-a what I am.
[EH] They say you have a diff'rent girl for each day in the week.
[BJ] I'm just a wop, great big ...(?).
[EH] Well, you must spend lots of money. [BJ] No, I never have to pay.
[EH] But when you get the gimmies, tell me what you have to say.

[BJ] Hey, me no speak-a good English. [EH] You mean you don't understand?
[BJ] No, I no like-a this-a bus'ness. [EH] You mean when they're holding your hand?
[BJ] Sure! Me no long in this-a country. [EH] But you're a wise Italian man.
[BJ] I'm a wise-a wop! I please-a them, I tease-a them, I squeeze-a them like that!
[EH] But when they say, ah, sweet papa, your baby needs a hat,
[BJ] Hey! Me no speak-a good English. [BOTH] I no can understand.

[EH] How about that girlie with the fascinating eye?
[BJ] I think she's make a very good-a loving bride.
[EH] You took her out and when she didn't try to make you pay,
[BJ] I just-a act-a more than satisfied.
[EH] But soon she got the gimmies. [BJ] Sure! I put her to the test.
[EH] And then you had to tell her just like you told all the rest:

[BJ] Hey! Me no speak-a good English. [EH] But I guess you understand.
[BJ] Yes, but I no like-a dis-a funny business, you know. [EH] Ah, please let me hold your hand.
[BJ] Hey! What's a matter? Me no long in this-a country. [EH] But you're a wise Italian man.
[BJ] You told 'em! I treat 'em fine on red wine. I spent-a ev'ry cent.
[EH] But when they start to cry and say they haven't got room rent,
[BJ] Hey, me no speak-a good English. [BOTH] I no can understand.

[EH] You pick the mountain; you take them back.
[BJ] I take-a them any-a-where.
[EH] But when they tell you that they must take a cab,
[BJ] I tell-a them take-a the air.
[EH] If they want to make love, you never refuse.
[BJ] I give-a them all-a they wish.
[EH] But when they tell you that they need new shoes,
[BJ] That's just when I no capisc'
[EH] You get a license if they want to wed. [BJ] I open a barber shop.
[EH] But when they tell you that they don't like spaghett', [BJ] they no want-a marry a wop.

Hey! [BOTH] Me no speak-a good English. I no can understand.
What this monkey business when you hold-a the hand.
Me no long in this country. I'm a poor Italian man.
[BJ] They tell-a me they marry me, and they're a merry wid',
[EH] But when you find out that they have a half-a-dozen kids,
[BJ] Hey! [BOTH] Me no speak-a good English. I no can understand.


[Note: the word "wop" would be unacceptable today, and the ethnic stereotyping is in questionable taste, but the theme of male-female relations is universal and still current. I hope someone can find a way to salvage this song by judiciously changing the words. If not, just consider it an interesting portrait of life in an earlier era.]