Jon, I think that maybe I have been where you are. It sounde to me like you are self-medicating to deal with your problems. I did it for years. Booze mostly but other things as well. I was finally commited to a mental ward and it was discovered that I am Severly Clinically Depressed and am mildly Bi-polar. With the psychotropic drugs I now take, I can function in the world in a more normal manner.
Please. Go to a clinic and get tested. Your problem may stem from a chemical imbalance in your brain and this CAN be corrected. I fought against the idea of drugs for years because I was afraid they would change me, make me into somebody else. They did. They made me a saner and happier person.
Please get help. It's hard to ask sometimes but the reward can be incredible.
PM me if you need someone to "talk" to. I'll help if I can.

troll