You can hear this at YouTube:


ETIQUETTE BLUES
Words and music by Gayle Grubb
New York: Stasny Music Corp., ©1926.
As sung by Billy Jones & Ernest Hare (The Happiness Boys)

VERSE 1: We're the guys that wrote the book on etiquette.
Yes, we know just how all your vittles should be et. (I'll say we do!)
We have writ this little book about mistakes we've saw.
Now take 'em down and don't forget that what we say is law.

CHORUS 1: Always leave your spoon right in your coffee. (Look out for your eye.)
Starting with your soup, first sound your 'A', then play The Pilgrims' Chorus.
Napkins are to catch the food that bounces off your knife,
And tuck the napkin in so it will stay underneath your double chin.
And always put both elbows on the table.
Many other pointers we could mention.
Now always gesture with your fork.
Keep your mouth full when you talk.
Thank you for your very kind attention.

CHORUS 2: When your tea is hot, just use your saucer.
Pick the punkin pie up in your hand. (Don't squeeze it.)
Never ask for anything that you can safely reach.
Read rule eighty-two; you'll understand.
Wipe your plate with bread when you have finished. (Mop up.)
Many other pointers we could mention.
Grab your glass so it won't drop,
And always finish when you stop.
Thank you for your very kind attention.

PATTER: We have some more to say on this matter.

VERSE 2: You know, we've been watching people eat for many, many years.
Oh, and the way they eat has driven us to tears. (It's simply awful.)
There's no reason you can't eat polite the same as we.
Yeah, read our book on etiquettey; it's simple as can be.

CHORUS 3: Always mix your peas with your potatoes,
And this makes eating with your knife a cinch.
You know, when somebody asks for bread, grab several pieces in your mitt
And deal 'em out like you were dealin' flinch, (bridge, poker, pinochle).
Take two toothpicks; you might sometimes drop one. (Of course!)
And many other pointers we could mention.
Put your gum beneath your plate,
And eat fast so you won't be late.
Thank you for your very kind attention.

CHORUS 4: Never cut spaghetti up in pieces.
Eat it like a chicken eatin' worms.
When you're eating cake, be sure you eat the frosting first.
Watch out for bacteria and germs.
Always laugh when nothing funny happens.
Many other pointers we could mention.
Fingerbowls are set close by,
In the event your glass runs dry.
Thank you for your very kind attention.