You got some serrious flippin' problems, man. If'n I was you I would get perfesshionla help.

Okay, I am gonna tell you how I won the tallent show, eh? It was a peece a cake. I am an expert at makin' armpit farts. I been doin' it for years, eh? You gotta trap some air in yer armpit and move yer arm against yer body real fast and you get a fart sound. I useta get in trouble at school doin' that and get sent to the flippin' principull regular, eh?

Okay. So I been practicin' till I can do it eether left handed or right handed, eh? And real loud too. And FAST! But here is my special secret. I rub bacon grease good and thick into both armpits. That works real good for makin' a good air seal so's you get FLIPPIN' LOUD fart sounds when you pump yer arms fast against yer body.

I can alternate real fast between the left arm and the right arm to get a sound like a fart machine gun or a crummy lawnmore startin' up.

I did this on stage at the Iron Horse and I was bear from the waste up so my lumberjack shirt would not cramp my amazin' style, eh? I wowed 'em. You shoulda hearn the applaws. People were hootin' and hollerin' and throwin' beer bottles and everthing. Girls were takin' there shirts off! I am the BEST, man, the flippin' BEST!

And you missed it, fliphead. Good thing. If you hadda been there, you woulda died from yer jellousy of my total awesomeness.

- Shane