Michaelr:- I can't remember if there's a song in it, but there's definitely a thread in the Mudcat archives about how to wipe your bum.
"wipe" in the search box produced this from about five years ago:-

BS: Toilet paper dispensers: Height?

Can't remember how I found it originally - probably back when the search facility allowed you to go back forever (or at least to the start of Mudcat). Nowadays if you set the "Age" parameter to anything beyond a month, you still only get to see the last 1000 post topics (about a month's worth).