(I'LL NEVER FORGET) THE DAY I READ A BOOK
Written by Jimmy Durante and Jackie Barnett
As sung by Jimmy Durante on "Jimmy Durante and Friends" (2011)

Ahh! I can tell this isn't Durante's day, but folks, I've had my moments. Yes, I've had my moments.

When I look back t'rough life I find
Lots o' memories remain.
Certain days stay in my mind
And keep runnin' t'rough my brain.
I remember the day that Ederle swam the channel. What a splash!
I remember the Wall-Street crash,
Or when Winchell first shouted "Flash!"
But there's one day that I recall, though it was years ago.
All my life I will remember it, I know.

I'll never forget the day I read a book.
It was contagious.
Seventy pages!
There were pictures here and there,
So it wasn't hard to bear—
The day I read a book.

It's a shame I don't recall the name o' the book.
It wasn't a history.
I know because it had no plot.
It wasn't a mystery,
Because nobody there got shot.
The day I read a book, I can't remember when,
But one o' these days I'm gonna do it again!

Why, if you walk into my house you'll see loads o' books, and believe me, they're not there just for appearances. I press an awful lot o' butterflies!

I know readin' is relaxin'. What did Napoleon do for relaxation? He read a book! What did Lincoln do for relaxation? He read a book! What does Congress do for relaxation? They book a red!

You know, I'm familiar with all the best-sellers. There's the Encyclopedia Britannia [sic], Forever Umbriago,*¹ and a new piece o' significant lit'rature which says: "Atka dritka batka setka ingallopfa alla mali shui."*² How do you like that? I been readin' the life story o' Mumbles!*³

But I love good readin'. Why last week I spent two solid days in the libr'y. Much to my regret, I buried my nose in a book, and what happened? I forgot which book I buried it in! A catastra-stroke!

It wasn't a history.
I know, because it had no plot.
It wasn't a mystery,
Because nobody there got shot.
One day I read a book; I can't remember when,
But one o' these days I'm gonna do it again, yes, sir.
One o' these days I'm gonna do it again.

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*1 Umbriago was a fictional character that Durante wrote and sang about in a song by that name in 1944. Forever Umbriago might be an allusion to Forever Amber, a popular and somewhat scandalous novel from 1944.

*2 I have rendered this phonetically. I have no idea what it means, if anything. It sounds vaguely Latin or Italian.

*3 I have found a Mumbles who was a character in a Dick Tracy cartoon, but I'm not sure that's what Durante had in mind.