I'M IN LOVE WITH GILL BATES
(or "How not to be sued by famous persons")

1.You can see me at the computer fair,
Though I probably won't see you
As through myopic tunnel vision
I barge my way to the front of the queue
Glasses like the bottoms of milk bottles
3 days stubble on my chin has grown
With "eau de Bernard Manning's underpants"
I talk to the salesman in binary code

You wouldn't think to look at me
There was room for passion in my life
As I prattle on about pipeline burst cache
PCI slots, D-ram and gigabytes
But in my heart there's a secret desire
I'm a real dark horse it seems
As I sit before my monitor all my waking hours
Thinking of the girl of my dreams cos…

Chorus:
I'm in love with Gill Bates
Heaven is just a mouse click away
In her tender hands she holds my fate
With those teasing messages on my screen that say
"Can't locate my e-drive, abort, retry, ignore",
She denies me access without giving any cause
My operating system's at her back and call
If I get this lot to work it will be a bloody miracle

3.She says I must update my bios,
My device drivers and secondary cache
Fit the latest graphics accelerator
Load my digital camera with compact flash
Get her all the latest gizmos
Which soak up all my hard earned cash
I've done what she says, why won't it work ?
Oh, shit, I forgot the backslash !

Cos,I'm in love with Gill Bates

She says my mouse doesn't like my modem
They're fighting over the same IRQ
The manual's badly written in Chinese
But a nerd's gotta do what a nerd's gotta do
I'd put in the wrong kind of memory
But I've sorted that one out OK
Now I can load the latest game
"Blast the b***s off a zombie" Wahay!

Cos, I'm in love with Gill Bates