Be careful what you wish for, John:>)

I really am exhausted. I am concerned that I have given the impression that all has fallen apart. It hasn't though I more and more often am concerned that I am teetering on the edge in a number of respects. I work at keeping a positive and accepting perspective, but every now and then my coping strategies and defenses simply are overwhelmed. Lately that has been happening more frequently, and to be quite frank, it scares me when that happens. Even when I do not get completely overwhelmed, I feel like I am losing resiliency. I don't want to crash and burn.

There are a lot of people in the same situation that I am in, and even more who are experiencing much more significant stressors. I have the money to pay my bills. I have a job. I have a house that is paid for and while it definitely needs some repair and maintenance that is not getting done, only one thing that needs done is approaching critical status.

I fret about things that do matter, but that don't represent the end of the world as I know it. Some of the things I view as essential really are pretty essential. Some are not, though whether they are dealt with does make a big difference in my ability to take a deep breath and repeat "it is OK." Most of that category are things that I know are going to be more challenging to deal with down the road if they are not dealt with now. I don't have a sense that I will have more time or resources down the road with which to tackle those things, and in not having the capacity to deal with them now I am only creating greater difficulties for later because I don't anticipate having more resources later. Depending on the issue those resources are internal, external, or a combination.

Venting helps. Encouragement helps. Being reminded that I am not terminally unique regarding any of this helps.

Important to me is the supposition that what I am sharing and getting from all of you here will also be helpful to others sailing rough seas who might not be as inclined as am I to shout "Help!"

Bed cleared. Bureau not. Bathroom cleaned. Much but not all clutter in the frequently used living areas tossed into trash or into hiding. Checks written -but I forgot to buy stamps when I did the grocery shopping, so not in the mailbox - sorry Bobert - will see to that tomorrow - Private practice business not dealt with and I can hear the fragile lawn gasping under two weeks of accumulated leaves from my lot heavily populated by oaks. Last load of laundry in the wash. No dusting is gonna happen this week, nor mopping, but I will run the vacuum and shake the rugs before I go to bed, and probably will get the kitchen sink scoured. My own scattered shoes are all tossed out of sight into the rat's nest in the bottom of my closet. My son's shoes and general miscellany (he is only with me every other week and always leaves a midden pile) are either piled on his chair in the den or dumped in a heap in the middle of his bedroom for him to clear in the process of being able to reach his bed.

I'm off to run the vacuum now. I need to realize having a vacuum to run is a simple pleasure and a real luxury.

Life wasn't meant to be easy. It was meant to be life. Relatively speaking, my life continues to be easy. I especially need to remember that.

Love ya'll.

Janie