My Granma used to say "He looks like a bundle of arseholes tied up ugly"

and "He wouldn't know his prick from his thumb if it didn't have a nail on it"

Mum used to say "He looks like a sack of shit tied up with string"

If you asked where something was, Dad would say "Up in Annie's room behind the clock"; whereas Mum would say "Under my arm hanging on a kiss curl"