The Johnny Bond album "Divorce Me C.O.D." (2003) contains two versions of this monologue: one is 3:38 in duration; the other is 7:04. The "complete" version includes some introductory remarks and jokes which I have omitted because they are not really part of the main story. The lines in italics are omitted from the short version. In other respects, the two versions seem identical. Therefore I think the short version is probably edited from the long one, probably to make it fit on the 45-rpm record released in 1965. Since editing in those days had to be done by splicing tape, they did a remarkably good job.

The music accompaniment is "Show Me the Way to Go Home" played softly and slowly in the background on an electric guitar, piano, and drums.

He begins slurring his words slightly after the first "drink" and the slurring gets progressively worse until the last drink, and then levels off.


TEN LITTLE BOTTLES – Complete Version
As recited (not sung) by Johnny Bond.

A friend o' mine gave me ten little bottles of some special stuff that he'd brewed up his-self,
So I took it an' hid it down in my basement,
But my wife found out about it an' she told me to get rid of it or else.
Since I didn't like the way she said "or else,"
I went down there an' proceeded to carry out her instructions.
I set the ten little bottles on the drain-board,
Picked up the first bottle, pulled the cork out of it, an' poured it down the sink—
That is, all except one little swaller, which I drank.
I picked up the next bottle, an' I pulled the cork out of it, an' I poured it down the sink—
All except one little swaller, which I drank.
I picked up the next bottle, an' I pulled the sink out of it, an' I poured it—down the sink—
All except one little swaller, which I drank.
I picked up the next sink, an' I pulled the bottle out of it, an' poured it down the cork—
All except one little swaller, which I drank.
I picked up the next cork, an' I pulled the sink out of it, an' I poured it down the bottle—
All except one teensy-weensy little swaller, which I sank.
I—I—I used to have a little difficulty with this number.
You see, I come from a great long line of stinkers—uh, drinkers.
I had an uncle that drank a quart a day ever' day of his life.
Heck! Me, I spill more'n that!
No kiddin'! He'd 'a' drink a quart an' not even stagger.
Heck, he couldn't even move.
We told him, we says, "You better quit drinkin' that stuff; it's gonna kill ya."
Sure enough, it killed him.
He died last year at the age of a hun'erd an' two.
Well, don't laugh! We dug him up last week; he looks better'n y'all do now.
Guy back here asked me, he says, "What's the differ'nce 'tween a drunk an' a alcoholic?"
Well, I'll tell you: us drunks don't have to attend all them danged ol' meetings, you know?
I don't like your bartenders here in Nashville; I'll tell you that.
I says t'this guy, "Gi' me some'n' cold an' full o' gin." He says, "Take my wife."
Y'see, ya got me all confused.
How many bottles have I got left?—
How many have I got?—
Five?—
He's seein' double; it's only two an' a half.
Don't you know one little thing:
You better not say nothin' against my wife, buster, 'cause I'll have you know—
I'll have you know, that I got the wifest little nice in the whole United States!