Sometimes (like now) I wish I could cry more easily than I do. I think I could use a really good bawl right now.

Tom woke me up with a phone call at 4:30 this morning. This is the first time he's called ME since he was admitted to the hospital. (It's 6:00 now; I couldn't get back to sleep. I wish I could just turn my brain off.) He's very paranoid right now. His immediate question was how much progress I've made at clearing out the living room which will be his bedroom for a few months after he gets home from rehab. He wants me to come to the hospital, pick him up and bring him home so he can see. That his doctors want him to see so he can tell them.

My first thought is he's still in a dream he was having. When I talked to him about 7:30 last night, he had evidently been dozing and dreaming. (He was concerned about some sort of board controversy going on with a folk organization he's on the board of. I suggested that he couldn't know if anything was going on as he doesn't have access to his email and he's not getting phone calls about anything. "Oh, yes -- THEY (meaning his nurses, etc.) are getting calls." I think he understood by the time we hung up that it was a dream. Now I'm not so sure.)

His nurse came in to draw blood and he adamantly refused to let him draw blood. I asked to talk with his nurse at the time, which he let me. When I got back on the phone with Tom, I tried to suggest he cooperate. He was like a 6-year-old: "No. No. No." and "I don't trust them." Anyway, I reassured him that I would call a little later this morning and come to see him -- but right now I really needed more sleep. (I didn't get to sleep until almost midnight.)

I called the ICU back and talked to his nurse, wondering if it's meds that are making him paranoid. He said Tom's really only on his regular medications, not pain meds, but this paranoia is not unusual. They can wait until later for the blood and he'll be okay off the heart monitor for awhile. I'm wondering if the Wellbutrin he takes for depression may be causing the paranoia. We hadn't updated his meds list when his primary care doctor changed the dosage a few months ago and I just corrected that with the ICU people yesterday. I'll try to call his primary care doctor later this morning -- I don't think he knows about Tom's ankle yet. Got to call other doctors as well because his hospitalization, etc. will affect his ongoing treatment with Dr. Z and with his vascular and cardiac doctors.

Basically, I'm scared spitless right now. I desperately need some more sleep and I will go back upstairs and try again.

It would be really nice if something would go smoothly.

Linn