The version my Dad (born and raised in Glasgow) taught me was:
Horace, you've made a mess of me,
Horace, you'll have to marry me,
Horace, we'll call him Boris,
And then there'll be Horace and Boris and Me,

Where was the engine driver when the boiler busted,found his Asshole
A million miles away, they found his penis,
Somewhere on Venus,
They'll find the rest of him some other day.