Guaranteed Effective All-Occasion Non-Slanderous Political Smear Speech

By Bill Garvin

MAD MAGAZINE #139, December 1970



My fellow citizens, it is an honor and a pleasure to be here today. My opponent has openly admitted he feels an affinity toward your city, but I happen to like this area. It might be a salubrious place to him, but to me it is one of the nation's most delightful garden spots.

When I embarked upon this political campaign I hoped that it could be conducted on a high level and that my opponent would be willing to stick to the issues. Unfortunately, he has decided to be tractable instead -- to indulge in unequivocal language, to eschew the use of outright lies in his speeches, and even to make repeated veracious statements about me.

At first, I tried to ignore these scrupulous, unvarnished fidelities. Now I do so no longer. If my opponent wants a fight, he's going to get one!


It might be instructive to start with his background. My friends, have you ever accidentally dislodged a rock on the ground and seen what was underneath ? Well, exploring my opponent's background is dissimilar. All the slime and filth and corruption you could possibly imagine, even in your wildest dreams, are glaringly nonexistent in this man's life. And even during his childhood!

Let us take a very quick look at that childhood: It is a known fact that, on a number of occasions, he emulated older boys at a certain playground. It is also known that his parents not only permitted him to masticate excessively in their presence, but even urged him to do so. Most explicable of all, this man who poses as a paragon of virtue exacerbated his own sister while they were both teenagers!

I ask you, my fellow Americans: is this the kind of person we want in public office to set an example for our youth ? Of course, it's not surprising that he should have such a typically pristine background -- no, not when you consider the other members of his family:

* His female relatives put on a constant pose of purity and innocence, and claim they are inscrutable, yet every one of them has taken part in hortatory activities * The men in the family are likewise completely amenable to moral suasion * My opponent's second cousin is a Mormon * His uncle was a flagrant heterosexual * His sister, who has always been obsessed by sects, once worked as a proselyte outside a church * His father was secretly chagrined at least a dozen times by matters of a pecuniary nature * His youngest brother wrote an essay extolling the virtues of being a homo sapien * His great-aunt expired from a degenerative disease * His nephew subscribes to a phonographic magazine * His wife was a thespian before their marriage and even performed the act in front of paying customers * And his own mother had to resign from a women's organization in her later years because she was an admitted sexagenarian

Now what shall we say of the man himself?

I can tell you in solemn truth that he is the very antithesis of political radicalism, economic irresponsibility, and personal depravity. His own record proves that he has frequently discountenanced treasonable, un-American philosophies and has perpetrated many overt acts as well.

* He perambulated his infant son on the street
* He practiced nepotism with his uncle and first cousin
* He attempted to interest a 13-year-old girl in philately
* He participated in a seance at a private residence where, among other odd goings-on, there was incense
* He has declared himself in favor of more homogeneity on college campuses
* He has advocated social intercourse in mixed company -- and has taken part in such gatherings himself
* He has been deliberately averse to crime in our streets
* He has urged our Protestant and Jewish citizens to develop more catholic tastes
* Last summer he committed a piscatorial act on a boat that was flying the American flag
* Finally, at a time when we must be on our guard against all foreign "isms", he has coolly announced his belief in altruism -- and his fervent hope that some day this entire nation will be altruistic!

I beg you, my friends, to oppose this man whose life and work and ideas are so openly and avowedly compatible with our American way of life. A vote for him would be a vote for the perpetuation of everything we hold dear.

The facts are clear; the record speaks for itself.

Do your duty.


(Sincerely, Gargoyle)

cut my teeth on this stuff ... made me what I am today.