Sorry I couldn't find a recording by George Formby to authenticate these lyrics, but I found the next best thing, I suppose, on Spotify:


THE BIGGEST BALALAIKA IN THE BALKANS
As sung by Clinton Ford on "Run to the Door: The Piccadilly/Pye Anthology"

A girl I know of Russian birth; she lives beside the Volga.
The sailors think she's beautiful; they call her Volga Olga.
In spite of this, she won my heart because of her collection
Of cellos, basses, flutes and drums and musical cross-sections.

And—she's got the biggest balalaika in the Balkans.
It's so beautiful it almost seems a crime,
And for just a bob or two,
She'll gladly show it off to you.
She's got the biggest balalaika of all time.

She's got the biggest balalaika in the Balkans,
And it even makes Kosygin stop and stare.
She has also got a sitar
Like a guitar* only sweeter*
Than the biggest balalaika anywhere.

And yet to let her men friends see 'em,
She keeps them in a museum,
Where she sets them out so beautiful and nice,
And they're there for all to see
If you will pay her one and three,
Except for tourists when she doubles up the price.

She's got he biggest balalaika in the Balkans,
But I think you should resist her fatal charm,
For although it's light and airy,
It is only temporary.
In the long run it could do a lot of harm.

And if you should admire her assets,
She will show you all their facets,
But please be warned it might make you unsafe,
For if you give her a ruble,
It could lead you into trouble.*
It will bring you to dishonor and disgrace.

She's got the biggest balalaika in the Balkans,
And her cello is immaculately made,
And her beautiful maracas
Would drive any Russian crackers,*
So she puts her nearest rivals in the shade.
She's got the biggest balalaika ever made.
She's got the biggest balalaika in the world.


[* Ford distorts the pronunciation of these words to force a rhyme.]