The Logical Vegetarian
       by G. K. Chesterton

    You will find me drinking rum,
    Like a sailor in a slum,
    You will find me drinking beer like a Bavarian.
    You will find me drinking gin
    In the lowest kind of inn,
    Because I am a rigid Vegetarian.

    So I cleared the inn of wine,
    And I tried to climb the sign,
    And I tried to hail the constable as "Marion."
    But he said I couldn't speak,
    And he bowled me to the Beak
    Because I was a Happy Vegetarian.

    Oh, I knew a Doctor Gluck,
    And his nose it had a hook,
    And his attitudes were anything but Aryan;
    So I gave him all the pork
    That I had, upon a fork;
    Because I am myself a Vegetarian.

    I am silent in the Club,
    I am silent in the pub,
    I am silent on a bally peak in Darien;
    For I stuff away for life
    Shoving peas in with a knife,
    Because I am at heart a Vegetarian.

    No more the milk of cows
    Shall pollute my private house
    Than the milk of the wild mares of the Barbarian;
    I will stick to port and sherry,
    For they are so very, very
    So very, very, very Vegetarian.