So, Spaw, if I'm elected Pope, I will declare (infallibly, of course), that the official Papal Garb will be blue jeans, a plaid wool shirt (to match my eyes), and a wool tweed Trilby hat.

Service to the poor, the homeless, the infirm, and the bereaved will be the primary religious obligation of every Catholic. Tolerance and respect for all, will be an absolute requirement.

Priests can be anyone (male, female, straight, gay, married - why should gender or sexual preference should have any bearing on selection of priests?) who feels the calling and is judged by a congregation to be a faith-filled person who speaks with wisdom and love and equity. Strict but reasonable controls will be instituted to protect parishioners from sexual offenses and financial chicanery.

Responsible family planning (and artificial birth control) will be encouraged, and Planned Parenthood will be declared an Official Ally of the Catholic Church, because that organization does more than any other to reduce the number of abortions - by reducing the number of unwanted pregnancies.

Divorced and remarried Catholics will be welcomed without restriction, although the ideal of lifetime marriage will be upheld.

Congregations (orders) of religious women (nuns) will be deemed equal in standing to congregations of religious men; and elected leaders of religious congregations will hold status equal to that of Cardinals, with authority to vote in papal elections.

Collaborative, collegial principles will be used in decision-making, as required by the Second Vatican Council.

Alliances will be sought with all religious and non-religious groups who see peace and brotherly love and tolerance as priorities.

Both liberal and conservative Catholics will be encouraged to celebrate liturgy (Mass) as they wish, even in Latin - with the caveat that condemnation of others is not compatible with true Christian faith.

And the prohibition of the condemnation of others, will be viewed as a primary tenet of the faith.

OK, so that's my platform. Vote for me.

Fr. Joe Sarducci (brother of Guido)