Okay, I confess! I know the whole scam!

But Songwronger hasn't got it quite right, so here's the scoop:

Remember that UFO that went down in New Mexico some decades back? The bodies that were recovered? And how the Air Force tried so desperately to cover up the whole incident, claiming it was nothing but a weather balloon that had blown off course?

I have it on good authoriy that Barack Obama (by whatever name) was cloned from alien tissue and grew up in Hangar 51 where his positronic brain was programmed by subspace transmissions from Phltzlfroomp, the fourth planet of Wolf 359.

And what is his mission, you may ask? Rather than national and international implications, his real mission is of interplanetary importance. It has to do with the life-threatening shortage on the home planet of the Phltzlfroompians of orange Jell-O embedded with miniature marshmallows. Without this, all civilization would collapse in the same way that our economy, and then our civilzation, would collapse if we suddenly ran out of oil, gas, beer, and Big Macs simultaneously.

Once the plans have reached fruition (so to speak) and Obama (by whatever name) has laid the groundwork, little green men will land, storm all gatherings of church luncheons put on by the the Lutheran Ladies' Guilds, and make off with all the Jell-O salads.

If you think that's horrifying, the aliens are planning to assault the Southern Baptist Leadership Conference by replacing all the water in their baptismal fonts with Wild Turkey studded with real, live wild turkeys! And they think that's funny!!

Oh, the horror of it all!!

It is good that you tremble for the future of our planet!

Don Firth

P. S. And how do I know all this? Ever since my last trip to the dentist, whenever I heat up a cup of cold coffee in the microwave oven, I receive the latest bulletins on my new filling.