Shane, you are a drunken sinner. God gave you two eyes to see the the way, two legs to stand on,and two hands to pull yourself up out of the mud. Instead, you're too blind to see the truth in front of you, too lame to walk toward the light, and I am too polite to even mention what those two hands of yours are doing!

It's time that you forsake that raggle-taggle band of beer-soaked internet cynics that you wallow around with in the swill of self-abuse and atheism. Cast off the chains of iniquity which you have forged from sin, lust, and avarice, and walk into the waiting arms of our sweet redeemer.

You'd better do it soon, too. The next time you roll your truck in the the graveyard here at the Pickle Lake Bible Church of God, we'll have you up on charges. We know it was you. We've got a "security cam" in the graveyard now.

Pastor Robert "Blessed Bob" McBride
Author of "Drunk No More" and "God Saw What You Did"