Found at Yet Another Stupid D.T. Christmas Special!:

MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU SUCKERS
(Paddy Roberts)

Merry Christmas, you suckers, you miserable men.
That old festive season is with you again.
You'll be spending your money on cartloads of junk
And from here 'till New Year you'll be drunk as a skunk.

Merry Christmas, you suckers. It's perfectly clear
That you fall for it all a bit sooner each year.
If it goes on like this, you will find pretty soon
You're singing "White Christmas" as early as June.

This Christmas card racket
Will cost you a packet.
Each season, it seems to expand.
The cards are so clever,
Though nothing whatever
To do with the subject in hand.

You'll be taking the kids 'round the multiple stores
To be frightened to death by some old Santa Claus.
Then it's parties with spirits and "vino" and beer.
Merry Christmas, you suckers, and a Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas, you suckers, you bleary-eyed lot.
You'll never get rid of that headache you've got.
But I hope you'll feel splendid. you certainly should,
With your stomachs distended with turkey and "pud."

Merry Christmas, you suckers. Jump into your cars,
Roar off to your neighbors to "sink a few jars."
Though your vision is double, just keep smiling through.
There are others in trouble a lot worse than you.

Beyond any question,
Acute indigestion
Will plague you and make you unwell.
You won't take the warning.
You'll wake up each morning
Undoubtedly feeling like hell.

But, stick to it, suckers. Go swallow a pill,
For this is the season of peace and good will
While we patiently wait for that nuclear blast.
Merry Christmas, you suckers. It may be your last.


No clue as to the tune, mind, and I don't know if it should be Patty or Paddy! The site (no relation to our own DT) also has such little gems as "Santa's Gonna Kick Your Ass" and "Holy @#$%, It's Christmas." Malcolm