It was only the thought of Theresa O'Flanagan showing her gym knickers behind the bike shed that brought me round!

Good Catholic name! Trouble is, in all my years (which are, of course, without number), I never once met a Catholic girl who bothered with knickers at all. "Cut to the Chase" was their motto! No scope for gay fellows there then!

That reminds me, chaps. Have we got a position on gays? I kind of love gayness myself, though clearly (like all self-respecting Messiahs), I need to distance meself from such vile gay depravity. I'm a bit confused though. There was this bloke in Crewe....